hope for today

Satur-Day Post and Prayer Request

2012-01-28T11:34:00.000-05:00

***Special Bulletin: This post has been interrupted by an urgent prayer request. My friend Anna's cousin Stephanie is pregnant with twins and about to go in for surgery that could take the lives of both of the boys but they will definitely die without it. God is the Creator and Champion of Life. He giveth and He taketh away. May His will be done.

Today is Satur-Day. Not just a Saturday. Because I think I could have Satur-Days on other days of the week (For example, MLK day was a Satur-Day).

Satur-Days involve doing things that I love to do because they cam me down and help me focus for the rest of the week. Also, I have a chance to think about things I normally don't have time to think about.

Today will probably involve laundry and reading and trying to not have mono again (work has been stressful and now I'm getting that oh-too-familiar ache in the back of my neck). Trying each week to live in such a way as that I'm giving myself what I need. Some days I go to morning mass, leave work on time, do yoga in my room, shower and blow-dry my hair, and have everything ready for the next day.... other days I don't go to mass but maybe spend some extra time knitting, I might have to stay an hour late at work (but it's because I want to catch up on stuff) and then I might just crash. But I don't force myself. And in general, my energy level is pretty good. I've also been taking a multivitamin and a B complex vitamin.

Manic-depression is an interesting experience but I find that I'm able to endure more than I would've thought, and I've grown more. For example, this is what I take every morning:

There are 7 pills in there: a mood stabilizer, an atypical anti-depressant (not just typical Prozac stuff), something for anxiety, then my 2 vitamins and, finally, my old friends Co-lase and Senakot because with the other meds, things can get pretty tied up.

Plus there's still this and Yes it still hurts and No it doesn't feel normal, in fact I am quite aware of the fact that there are - say it with me - 11 pins and three plates along the length of my ankle.
You could pray for me to help me lose weight - it's not happening too easily (haha, not putting a ton of effort in) but I know it would help my ankle so much...

Shabbat Shalom,

Soooooo Tiiiiiiired.

2012-01-27T06:34:00.001-05:00

This is a pretty pointless post. I'm basically just writing to help wake myself up. Ironically, it's when I get tired and stressed from work that I want to wake up even earlier (5:37am today) so that I have time to sort of prepare myself for the day. ONE MORE DAY before the weekend. On my schedule for today is:
- Make sure everyone's hours on the payroll website we use (ADP) are logged correctly for the past two weeks (9 people)
- Meet with two clients at the Homeless Outreach Center. I'm not looking forward to this because I haven't had time to look into jobs they are looking for... we will probably work on resumes.
- Interview someone for one of our open positions
- Spend three hours in one-on-one supervision with my staff (we do this twice a week every two weeks, each person gets 45 min.)
I just hope there aren't a lot of interruptions and small fires.

I've decided my patron saint for this year is St. Agnes, a martyr at 13 because she refused to marry the son of a Roman official. She was dragged naked through the streets of Rome, raped and executed. She knew she didn't "have" to do anything and accepted the price. Last Sunday when I met up with you-know-who we went to, as I mentioned, St. Agnes Catholic Church and it was the day after the feast of St. Agnes.

Oh, and I almost forgot! Today is my Name Day! January 27, the Feast of St Angela Merici and the day I was baptized (1985! lol). She founded the Ursuline Sisters and was committed to educating girls (which of course I'm all about because I went to an all-girls high school and women's college... and my mom now teaches at a (different) girls' high school.)

More on Yarn and Men

2012-01-25T17:46:00.000-05:00

Okay, you're probably here to see the yarn. Aka the mess. I am reading One year to an Organized Work Life by Regina Leeds. The cover is the main reason why I bought it... rubber duckies dressed up in work clothes! lol But seriously, it's a good book and perfect for me because organization does not come naturally. But I'm like a sponge, and I can learn and apply. The yarn itself got into a mess when I (idiotically) decided to wind the two colors together on the train ride into the city. I just now got it all untangled and can actually begin knitting it again.

It's called Honeycomb Stitch.

And, yes, I do everything on my bed. Yes, I know it's a bad idea. Yes, I need to buy a chair.

Men:
Okay, here's what didn't work about my meet-up last weekend. I don't know if how I feel is unreasonable or if it's reasonable but just not average. I don't like to be touched by men in a casual way if I don't have at least a friendship relationship with them. I feel violated, I feel like they should have asked permission. And I would say no, lol. Does anyone else feel this way? I knew a Muslim girl in college, she and her future husband did not even touch each other until they were married. And I had a friend who went to the wedding, she said they just delighted over touching each other's faces gently, holding hands, treasuring each others' bodies in ways the rest of us just completely take for granted. Orthodox Jews practice this as well. I think it's amazing; I do. I know the vast majority of the world does not feel this way, and perhaps the ratio within Catholics is the same. Why would I want to kiss - or even hold hands with - a man I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with? I really, really feel like my body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. I have the capacity to conceive a child, at which point the Holy Spirit creates new life within me. Why should we women not be held in the highest esteem as creatures God chooses as a suitable place to conceive new human life?

Anyway, he touched my lower back almost as soon as we met (we hugged when we greeted each other; I didn't want to but I didn't want to be weird), and he offered me his arm (I was like, "No"). There were several of these occasions where he touched me to direct me where to go. I even found myself deliberately putting my hands in my pockets during mass (and after) so he wouldn't be able to touch them or hold them. It made me uncomfortable - we had already decided that we of course weren't sure how we felt about each other - why would you want to touch me? I know that sounds weird, but it's just how I am. There was that, and then I think I was just too assertive for him. (So it's okay for you to touch me without permission but you don't like me telling you we need to cross the street? I did live in Manhattan for 4 years, I'm just telling where to go because I know what I'm doing.) I did tell him later that I wasn't comfortable with him touching me, and I do know it's unreasonable to expect him to know that without me telling him.

There were other things too but that was probably the biggest thing. I know my future husband, if God has one for me, will believe all these things, too. It's harder to do this "searching for a mate" thing than I realized. I still feel emotionally drained even 3 days later. I have other issues with why it's hard for me when men touch me without there being a reason and/or relationship, but I guess that's for another blog post.

This weekend...

2012-01-23T21:40:00.000-05:00

So as you might know, I met up with my mystery man yesterday to see if we wanted to take our relationship to "the next level." Level one being emailing on Catholic Match, level two being long phone conversations. Level three, getting to know each other in person.

We're not right for each other, but we had a pretty fun day anyway. Don't want to go into too many details because I just feel like it's irrelevant...or maybe I will talk about it at a later point in a broader sense. It was overwhelming though. I had crazy dreams last night, one after the next. Stress dreams that usually are only a side effect of medication. It was actually a much more emotionally intense experience than I had anticipated, and hopefully by writing about it tonight I will maybe thwart some of those bizarre dreams.

But there were other reasons God brought me into the city yesterday:

1. Met a couple really nice women on the train - one who had just performed at my organization's annual Cabaret fundraiser (crazy!) and another who wants a new job and I was able to give her the HR info.

2. We went to St Agnes for mass, which is literally steps away from Grand Central Station. It was, incidentally, the day after the feast of St. Agnes.

This is the same church Fulton Sheen used to give his famous 3 hour Good Friday Sermons. My dad used to go when he was in his 20's. The crowd of people would literally flow out into the street. This is a bit of his last Good Friday Sermon, he died that December. (My dad was 29)

3. It was also the one year anniversary of my grandmother's passing, and she was a huge fan of Fulton Sheen (I have her autographed picture of him...."To Bob and Peggy, God love you, Fulton Sheen." It was nice to go to mass at that Church on that day, and I wouldn't have done it if it weren't for the circumstances.

4. Finally, we went all the way up town to 121st between Broadway and Amsterdam, to Corpus Christi, the church where Thomas Merton baptized and confirmed as a student at Columbia University. This was my "church of choice" in college, I stopped going to the campus mass because this one had Gregorian Chant at the 11am (and even though the group of Catholics was about as liberal as they come, ironically, they loved the Latin and we always said "Lord I am not worthy that you should come under my roof." Just thought it was worth mentioning after all I've been cringing at reading the National Catholic Reporter.

Milo eats an apple.

2012-01-22T22:07:00.000-05:00

Waiting

2012-01-21T09:49:00.002-05:00

I meet my mystery man tomorrow at Grand Central Station, NYC. We've talked for at least 6 hours this week... but neither of us can really expect what will come of this. Our plans are to meet at Grand Central, have coffee and chat for a couple minutes, go to 12:30 mass at St. Agnes (right by Grand Central, Fulton Sheen used to preach his 3 hr Good Friday sermon there every year), and then have lunch and wander around...He is a lot more planful than I am so he wanted to like pick the restaurant, etc., while I'm more okay with getting out of mass and just wandering around until we find something.

On a (very) random side note, I finally got the Bra that I ordered (see Bra of the month) and it's beautiful and fits really well, supports well and doesn't make me look huge(r).

I guess I won't have any other news until tomorrow....

Lots of snow here in CT!

Protect Internet Freedom: Protest PIPA and SOPA

2012-01-18T19:46:00.001-05:00

This is awesome...

2012-01-18T19:36:00.002-05:00

Source: google.com via CarlyDianne on Pinterest

Of Yarn and Men

2012-01-17T19:10:00.001-05:00

First, to link up with Nicole of Frontier Dreams, I am currently working on a gray and purple scarf in honeycomb stitch. My mom gave me a perpetual calendar of a stitch a day, and this one seemed like an easy one to learn (it is, actually it's sort of boring but it's a good talking or TV stitch). This is from New Year's weekend. It's like 2 ft now.

The stitch is: Any even number of stitches in a row
Cast on
Row 1: *yo, knit 2, pull yo over the 2 knit stitches. Repeat from *
Row 2: Purl.
Repeat rows 1 and 2

It's thick like seed stitch but less stretchy and still rolls like stockingnette.

And...I met a guy. Catholicmatch.com. We've been talking and texting since Friday. We're meeting up in Manhattan on Sunday. Crazy...... Will update later :-)

the catholic convict

2012-01-16T13:08:00.002-05:00

"If you were accused of being Catholic/Christian, would there be enough evidence to convict you?"

Exhibit A: Incriminating quantities of statues, cards and icons of the Virgin Mary

Exhibit B: Glow-in-the-dark rosary (cheap and tacky, so it is not unreasonable to suggest they are used and not for decoration.)

Exhibit C: Scapular

Exhibit D: Literature

Exhibit E: Other contraband

The suspect was seen exiting St. Mary's R.C. Church yesterday evening. Anyone with additional information should contact our anonymous hotline 1-800-RC-Suspect

Are you guilty???

When being Catholic makes you (literally) crazy

2012-01-15T12:30:00.001-05:00

What is up with me and my faith?

Not sure. I've had the strangest period of my life (?) since I moved back from Kansas 2 1/2 years ago. I found a Latin Mass and loved it. And went "religiously" (hehe) for a few months. But I was also working daily at a job I really didn't like (fortunately I was not in the same building as my direct supervisor) and struggling because making friends isn't exactly the easiest thing for me and I had left my life for the past 3 years completely behind. Months and months of struggling, including getting my psychiatric meds managed which of course just compounded the whole situation. Ended up moving out of my parents house and the landlord ended up being crazy. Moved back in with parents. Found a nice normal roommate whom I still live with. Fell down stairs and broke pretty much every bone below my calf (not every bone in my foot and toes, but a lot of them) and was out of work and back with my parents for three months. Got mono. Changed jobs. Found out I had mono. Been sick off and on ever since. Bought a car in Dec. That was 2011.

But just recently I purchased Truth and Life***, the new (imprimatur, I might add) dramatized audio New Testament and have been listening to it daily in my new car which comes with - gasp! - a CD player! (I do have a fondness for all my old cassette tapes though, they took me through some long road trips...Peter Paul and Mary in Concert, for example :-) And I'm wrestling with this frustrating love for Jesus which somehow manages to combine itself with this terrible anxiety which makes going to church unbearable and not going even worse. But 3/4 times I choose not to go. I really want to go daily, but I don't have faith in myself to be able to keep it up, so I don't do it because I don't want to let myself down.

But something I heard Jesus say in the audio bible tells me what I need to do. I don't remember the exact words, except that a master doesn't thank his servant for doing what he is supposed to do. Therefore, when you do as you should do you should think of yourself as an unworthy servant, simply doing your job. And I felt that Jesus was saying this to me about going to daily mass. It wouldn't make me any different or better than anyone else. Which for some reason I think is what I was worried about all along. And so I set my alarm fifteen minutes earlier, got better prepared for work the night before, and made it to 7 am mass Monday - Friday. Didn't go yesterday but plan to go today to the afternoon mass. I'm glad this happened.

***I don't love this version but it's not bad. I'm now looking at The Word of Promise version, which actually has the entire Bible (I think the Truth and Life Old Testament should becoming out soon). I just have a hard time imagining Jesus (or any normal person) actually talking the way he does in most of it. BUT it has deepened my faith and understanding of Jesus' teaching so it is worth listening to. I actually think whoever plays Pilate is really good, as is the narrator of the gospel of Luke. Jim Caviezel is in the Word of Promise so....yeah, that might have to be my big purchase for February. Maybe my thing for Lent will be to listen to the entire Bible in 40 Days.

Sabbath Moments

2012-01-14T14:29:00.005-05:00

Joining Colleen this week on Sabbath Moments.

1. Sabbath moment every night when I awake to a bright star or the moon shining through my window as it travels across the sky. Snuggling back under the covers, my favorite rosary beads in hand (glow in the dark), and falling back asleep in peace.
2. My glow-in-the-dark rosary beads lit from the light of the moon.
3. Going to mass every morning to see my Best Friend every day.

Pax Christi,

Anna and Jim Caviezel

2012-01-12T19:09:00.000-05:00

"To him who has much, much will be given."

If this blog were a novel, Anna would definitely be a "main character." When I think of Anna, the first word that comes to mind is LOUD. Her loud (beautiful!) curly red hair, her loud voice, and her extremely LOUD love for Christ Crucified. Now, this doesn't always thrill me. For example, her inability to understand what an "inside" voice is combined with this loud love for Jesus can be embarrassing when she's sleeping over and .... so is your roommates' boyfriend. And no, I don't want them overhearing her waxing poetic over her "God moments." Yikes, I think Jesus mentioned something about people who don't acknowledge him before others... probably should work on that one.

Trust me, I'm getting to the Jim Caviezel part!

Anna has suffered much but also been blessed much because of her love for God. Anna has much love, and when God finds this in a person, I think he is just DELIGHTED to heap on them treasure after treasure. She's like a walking treasure box. For real.

So God's latest little gift is that Anna is now a full-time (I think) babysitter for none other than Jim Caviezel's sister (well, his niece and nephew). I can't think of anyone who would love this more!

And, I have miraculously (truly, miraculously) gone to mass every day this week. I will hopefully explain how this came to be, especially having gone the past 2 1/2 yrs making it to mass maybe once a month. But all I can say for now is, whoever is praying for me, THANK YOU!

Duh! (and random holiday photos)

2012-01-09T22:58:00.001-05:00

Went to 7am mass this morning on my way to work. Duh! Of course this is what I should have been doing a long time ago.

Christmas Eve, chatting with my dad's friend and hastily finishing my mom's shawl.

Christmas Day with my dad's family. Left to right, Daria, me and "Grandma Marion" my father's sister's husband's mother (aka my cousin's other grandma). We are engaged in a lively conversation about the Duggar family. (We were the only two fans!)

Sweet Arielle, my 12 yo bff :-)

Sweet Chastity...

2012-01-08T00:12:00.000-05:00

It's true... chastity is sweet and it's a gift, whether it's a temporary phase in life before marriage, or a permanent vocation. Well, I guess I'm not using the right word... I guess I mean celibacy. But chastity just sounds nicer. Chastity is important in any stage of life. It basically means having a healthy sexual life, as defined by the Church, whether you are single or married.

But as far as celibacy is concerned, I feel that this is a real gift as well. But I only recently realized it. I feel like my relationship with Jesus is very special during these years post-college, before marriage (which I expect but of course God has his plans...or shall I say surprises???). I just feel like Jesus is mine, and I am his. I am my Beloved's, and my Beloved is mine. I can spend time praying the rosary, or sitting at mass, or sitting just in church and just go into the depths of my heart and be with him alone there. I think this relationship will be on some level different (not worse, just different) when I marry and Jesus wants me to recognize this time of my life not as a period of "waiting for the next thing" but as an important time in my life, for me to grow in my relationship with him, one on one, and hopefully learn to not ask from other people the love that only HE can provide. And that it is only His love that will truly satisfy me.

I find it significant that, as throngs of people shoved their way to just get a glimpse of Jesus, he chose to spend precious minutes of his time on earth talking to one who one would think was "unworthy" of even a glance from him: a woman, an adulteress, a Samaritan, and to reveal to her not only her secrets, but his deepest Secret: that the Messiah had come, and it was He. He loves us so much!

On a side note, I think my dark night has lifted for the time. I really think the new mass has helped me come out of my funk. Also I have been watching the Passion of the Christ and it is speaking to me in a whole new way.

Also, I recently purchased the new dramatized audio New Testament, Truth and Light, and it is pretty great. Between listening to that and watching The Passion, my understanding of Jesus' time on earth is becoming ever deeper... and I am increasingly in awe, and feel like I am growing in understanding of what his life on earth was about, and how things evolved the way they did.

I long for Jesus. I must be a saint and be with Jesus as soon as I can after he calls me from this life. Thankfully I have maybe 7 decades left to live, certainly no more, quite possibly less. Not that I have a death wish, just that my heart aches for the Love of my life. My bold prayer is that he will deign to be with me on earth just a little tiny bit until I can run into his heavenly embrace. I love him so much!

Love,

my cousin has malaria (please pray)

2012-01-04T21:46:00.000-05:00

My 26 yo cousin has malaria following a 10-day visit to Haiti to see his brother, who has been working there as an architect for about 2 years. His fever spiked to 105.8 early Monday morning and they had to pack him in ice. Stephanie and I visited him that evening and he didn't look great but he minimized things (like an almost 106 degree fever!). He was breathing oxygen and taking very shallow breaths. He also has pneumonia. I think he is going to be fine, but any prayers you might throw our way would be put to very good use!

Thank you, peace and love!

Christmas Vacation (and only a small portion of my scalp is burned...)

2012-01-01T12:56:00.000-05:00

Well, I had a great week off between Christmas and today. So restful and I feel ready for the year!

Wednesday my mom took me, my sister Annarose, my cousin Mary-Elizabeth, and my bff Rachel into the city to see Dancing at Lughnasa at the Irish Repertory Theater. I spent the night in the city with Rachel:

New trains on MetroNorth!!!

Friday I picked up my friend Stephanie, who flew in from Kansas and we have had some...."fun" times.

It doesn't look too bad, in fact I sort of like the reddish-brown and I might get it done professionally in a few months... when my scalp stops burning.... I dyed Stephanie's hair brown-ish because I think brown hair is beautiful!!! I think she'll forgive me once she gets over the shock...

Pre-Brunette!

Stephanie is trying to figure out what's in her future: nursing school...another L'Arche community (I met her when we worked in Kansas together and since then she's spent a year in L'Arche Brisbane and now works as a patient care technician)

Happy New Years!!!

Love,

Grandma v. The Atheist

2011-12-26T13:40:00.001-05:00

Grandma Peggy and my sister Daria (not "The Atheist") in 2005

My grandmother passed away a year ago January. Since then, there have been several signs from her communicating to us that she is in heaven. She loved the signs that she would receive from her sister, a nun, who died in her late 20's.

The first sign was a bouquet of white roses that my aunt received from a former college roommate of my cousin's. White roses have special significance to my grandmother and the whole family. My cousin, whom I shall lovingly refer to as The Atheist, of course, had an answer: "She [the roommate] always sends white roses when someone dies."

Daria and Grandma in 2008

The next was, again, with my aunt at a restaurant with my uncle. A woman who looked very similar to my grandmother or her sister (a different sister, also deceased) was having a meal with her husband. The face disturbed my aunt so much that she switched places at the table with my uncle. Then she clearly overheard the woman say my father/grandfather's name, first and last. My uncle didn't hear it. Then she heard her say my uncle's name, pronounced the same way my grandmother used to pronounce it. My uncle looked at her and said: "I heard that!" The Atheist's response: "Right, and then they went up the staircase back into heaven..."

The next was a dream my father had and a dream I had several weeks later (I will write about this later, it's lengthy).

Finally, most recently, the story my aunt shared with us yesterday: My aunt was shopping in a busy district in Queens recently (maybe it was Manhattan...I don't remember). She felt a woman standing very close to her and my aunt was waiting for her basically to say excuse me, because she thought the woman was trying to get by. She could see the woman in her periferal (sp?) vision but when she turned to look at the woman...no one was there (of course! lol). This happened three times. Finally my aunt saw out of the corner of her eye the same woman across the room (she recognized the shape and the pink shirt) so she looked towards her and saw my grandmother looking at her, before she quickly disappeared. My aunt, who is very stoic (Irish of course!), gets tears in her eyes telling this story.

Me and The Atheist, 2005 (actually we really are this close
and joke that we are each other's evil twins)

I don't know why my grandmother is presenting her self so much - I guess I could say I don't know why God is letting her, but my sense is that she is praying for her children, especially because my grandfather needs intense care and my aunt and father have been with them providing what they need, looking after them from the time my grandmother started to have dementia until even now, when my cousin (the Atheist's younger brother) picked my grandfather up from the nursing home (he had to be specially trained to be able to transport him since my grandfather is paralyzed below the waist) so he could have Christmas with us. And I know she is praying for my cousin's conversion. I didn't hear The Atheist's response to this, maybe because she knew it was so meaningful to her mother and didn't want to detract from the experience.

Anyway, I will be writing updates because I think things may start to develop from here...

Weight Watchers

2011-12-23T06:35:00.000-05:00

Three Realizations so far:

1. I eat to deal with emotions quickly instead of taking the time to process them. Especially stress/anger/hurt. I'm a little crankier, unfortunately.

2. My new diet has stopped me from waking up in the middle of the night craving food. I guess because pretty much everything I eat has a very low glycemic index, so it probably doesn't spike my sugar, forcing me to wake up after the sugar level plunges again.

3. When I shop, I look for clothes to minimize my body, clothes that won't draw attention to me. This prevents me from looking professional at work.

Interesting what I'm learning about myself!

a little freaked out

2011-12-19T22:18:00.002-05:00

A coworker of mine, who I saw less than a week ago, was arrested a few days ago and charged with embezzling over $70,000 from her previous employer (children's services). We used to have lunch together all the time, I loved her because she thought I was hilarious and always laughed at my jokes. I don't really doubt that she's guilty of what she's been charged with, and I don't know why she did it, except that she didn't think she would get caught. Anyway, she's sitting in jail now (married but has no kids) in lieu of $75,000 bail and will be until her arraignment Jan. 5. The last time I saw her we kissed on the cheek and said how it's been too long since we've seen each other. And then she commented on my unbelievably persistent facial hair: "What are you going to do about it, girl?"
I sort of feel like she suddenly died, because I probably won't ever see her again. Sick to my stomach and up later than I've been in months.

The story is all over the local news and of course the comments are coming up under the news articles. Because she is African-American and overweight, there are a lot of cruel jokes about those two things. Here's one: "You can certainly see where that money went. Down that fat sow's gullet in the form of KFC and McN*****'s." Oh yeah, we've come a long way, folks.

And she looks terrible in the mug shot. She told me once she never showed her arms in public and, of course, there she is with bare arms, exposed like the adulterous woman Jesus saved. The cops probably took her sweater. The more people I know whose mug shots I've seen, the more I realize how dehumanizing these photos are. I just want to reach into the photo and give her a hug. :-( Prayers, please for Angela and people who love her, as well as for those who were disenfranchised by what she did.

Thank Jesus that He offers His Mercy before His Justice to all who will accept it.

Peace be with you tonight,

in honor of my anniversary, or, when I became the bionic woman

2011-12-18T13:30:00.000-05:00

Remember this?

Sat. Dec. 18, 2011. Fall down a flight of stairs late Friday pm and break my foot, ankle and leg in probably almost 20 different places; tore my ACL and broke my kneecap. Of course even high on narcotics, I need my mom to take a picture for facebook! lol

Annarose visits me while she's home from New Mexico. I don't get to spend much time with her because she leaves Dec. 26, and I get home from the hospital Dec. 24.

I think this picture was taken Christmas Day. We have always opened presents in the upper level of the house (it's a raised ranch), so I scooted my way up the stairs. I guess it was that important to me! The foot is still really swollen so they have to put a split on it that can allow for swelling instead of a cast.

My all-time favorite self-portrait! At the hospital for them to remove the sutures but obviously, the skin hadn't closed all the way! 30 stitches total. I almost passed out when they took them out (3 weeks after surgery).

First cast was hot pink. I picked green for the second color because it's the color of growth and healing....or something. And I didn't let anyone sign it because I just wanted it to be kept clean and "clutter-free." I think the best part of this experience was getting a break from the real world for a solid 10 weeks and I didn't want anything to compromise that! FYI, contrary to what I originally thought, it's actually really nice to get fresh flowers and stuffed animals in the hospital! So here I am posed with my new teddy and pillow pet.

In other news, I BOUGHT A CAR yesterday. I just need to come up with some extra (read: Christmas) cash for the down payment but it's on loan and mine to use. Silver 2007 Toyota Corolla. Literally exactly what I wanted (well, the year wasn't as important or the color, but anyway).

I'm 15 lbs heavier than I was before I broke my ankle and had mono but I'm grateful to God for the incredible privilege of walking (and I'm not exaggerating). And I started Weight Watchers (again!) today and I'm doing it. PERIOD.

Finally, getting off Facebook was probably one of the best decisions I made this year, in case you're ambivalent. I am, however, still on Google Plus.

Peace be with you,

moth to a flame...

2011-12-16T18:43:00.000-05:00

Wow, it hasn't even been a month. I decided to come back because I kept wanting to write and then just keep feeling "nobody cares what I have to say", and I know that when I have negative thoughts like that in my head - I shouldn't listen, and maybe do just the opposite!

So....unfortunately not much has improved on the mono front. After a couple really stressful weeks at work, I've been dealing with the fevers, sore throat and aching glands off and on. But there is good news on the horizon.
1. I'm buying a car tomorrow! Barring any unexpected issues, I will be driving home a new car tomorrow. My roommate's husband helped me (and yes I'm still living here, and it's working out so far, which is nice).
2. We get a week off during Christmas. Maybe I can knock this thing out during the weeks.

Anyway, here's some photos of what's been going on the past several weeks:

1. Knitting

mochi neck cosy from Ravelry

Bathrug!

2. Milo, of course. His life's philosophy is that the world is ever unchanging, yet ever new. And that "lapdog" is not a word to describe small dogs but is, in fact, simply a state of mind.

3. Thanksgiving was fun despite ongoing family tensions.

Sisters (my cousins)

Daria's boyfriend was a hit. This is him hanging with my 14 yo cousin.

Chillin with homeboy Lou.

I think my dad's iPad stole the show.

My dad is great with kids. I think part of it is that with little kids he's extremely gentle and sings a lot, and with older kids he's attentive and doesn't talk down to them.

I love both these pictures of my parents

Milo was sooooo patient with Mulanesh. She has no fear of animals whatsoever.

Cousins playing chess.

Just me and my mom :-)

Tying loose ends

2011-11-22T22:38:00.001-05:00

I feel that I want to explain a bit more about my decision to leave blogging (I'm going to stop for a year and re-evaluate, which is also what I am doing with fb).

There is one blog that, at first, I enjoyed reading. But in the past several months this author became increasingly more negative towards others - naming individuals who had left comments in her inbox which she was hurt by - and all-out attacking them. One commentor, after trying to explain herself to no avail, finally called "uncle" and just left the conversation and the blog. I visited her blog - she's a Catholic wife and a mom just trying to make her way home like the rest of us. This unsettled me. I too tried to stop reading the blog, but I just was so tempted to look for more reasons not to like this blogger, and I found myself looking for weaknesses in her own life, ways to judge her. And - to show how petty I really am - I wrote a post that I thought was a really interesting point and a few days later this author (who has probably more than 10x's my visitors) pretty much paraphrased my post, without even commenting on mine. I wrote comments on her blog frequently and though I was under the impression that she read mine, I never received a single comment (we all know it shouldn't matter, and we all know it does). And I would venture to say that a good chunk of her posts are taken to detailing a negative encounter with a stranger or acquaintance. So basically this person's blog has become a proximate occasion of sin for me and it's definitely a waste of a sin.

Other issues I have is seeing other people with things I want and getting focused on what I want instead of what I have and what God is asking me to do in the present moment.

One mistake (among many) that I've made in blogging is being so rigid regarding the Latin Mass. I love the Latin Mass, but the New Order and (hurray! the new missal which starts on Sunday... my birthday!!)* are crucial and I feel like Catholics like to focuses on what distinguishes (read: makes us better) from other Catholics. Thankfully I've hopefully overcome some of the judgmentalism I bring to mass (grumpy old people, disrespectful young people, noisy kids, sweatpants, haltertops) and realize that Jesus is happy to see all of us. Anything beyond that is none of my business.

Finally, blogging has taken from me the lost art of just writing for myself - without the intention that anyone might ever see my words. Except, of course, God.

If you are reading this, this is the one time I'd specifically like to ask for comments from each of you with thoughts - negative, positive, whether or not you think I could use a hair cut....

* 27, by the way

Hello, Everyone!

2011-11-19T17:57:00.001-05:00

I'm back, albeit temporarily. I'm pretty sure I'm done with blogging. It just doesn't seem like it's for me anymore. However, here is my email address: mariafitz1127 at gmail dot com for whoever would like to still keep in touch! It's been great getting to know some of you! God bless!

Happy Birthday, Mom!

2011-11-01T00:00:00.000-04:00

You'll always be that precious and beautiful to me.

Love,

Guess I'll go eat worms...

2011-10-10T19:07:00.003-04:00

That's how I'm feeling this evening:"Nobody likes me, everybody hates me...guess I'll go eat worms."

I had an interesting weekend. I went up to visit my aunt, with whom I've had a bit of a strained relationship. Her three oldest daughters had started a new school run by very traditional nuns, as well as her son, and I went up just to get away and maybe meet the nuns. The whole weekend went great. except that towards the end of my visit when we were in the car together on our own going to the school marching band parade, we ended up getting in a huge fight. Honestly, I don't take responsibility for any of it. I think she had some building up anger at me from my last visit and maybe other things. Then when I called her when we got home, she blamed me for not being clear about what I was trying to say when we got into the argument. It almost felt like she was saying "use your words." And she said that if I could't get along with her, my inability to get along with people would keep coming back my whole life until I dealt with it. Eventually I just said "bye" and hung up. But her words shook me really hard. I guess I just feel like I was really undeserving. And I also am pretty sure that I'm the only cousin out of the other 24 that her kids have on my side who they have a relationship with. I've deliberately been trying to make this relationship work for a couple years now. But when she was yelling at me, it just felt like she was completely taking my relationship for granted, as if I would just turn around and come back and visit in a couple months. My oldest cousin is in the Boston Symphony Youth Orchestra, and she really wanted me to come see her play next month. Again, I'm the cousin they have the strongest relationship with. One of the kids is my goddaughter and another I am her confirmation sponsor. And I love spending time with them. They are nice and fun and Sat night we had fun trying to play Pachebel's Canon in D together, without the music. 3 of us on the violin, one on the piano.

Anyway, I was pretty depressed today and felt like my life was completely devoid of meaning. I can't get along well enough with my parents to live there and I feel like they don't understand me, I feel different from my peers, and now this, which really hurt. What's the use of going on living if the people who mean the most to you are unkind? And why are people unkind to me? Tonight I feel like a zombie, the living dead. My heart is beating but in my mind I feel like a nobody.

The trip wasn't all bad, in fact it was okay until that fight right before I went home, around 1pm Sunday. Here are some photos:

I don't know why they were trying to look like thugs..

Check out the habits! A really nice and genuine group of people.

She can't resist anything warm and furry.

Having fun after (Tridentine Rite) mass.

Modeling the Confirmation Prayer Shawl I knitted: "Seven Sacraments"

Friendship bracelets.

Sisters. The one on the right might enter the Air Force next year.
Hard to believe, but she's a senior!

Knitting and chatting.

Clowning around on Saturday night.

Left over from their local march

I brought over little bottles of body splash, etc, that I didn't
want because I knew they'd love them.

My 31 Days - Day 9? 10? What day is today?

2011-10-08T12:57:00.003-04:00

How's it going vis-a-vis the food journaling?

Really good. And I'm hardly actually writing anything down. I'm just giving myself permission to splurge on convenient health foods instead of fast food. And also taking the effort to boil the quinoa and beans and not feel weird about eating it seasoned with tumeric, oregano, chili powder and garnished with a banana peppers, a lot of pimento olives, and colby cheddar cheese. Hey, it's what I like! And I'm giving myself permission to enjoy it. If I made this in front of my "foodie" friends they would laugh at me because I'm a notoriously bad cook.

But whatevs. My roommate said it looked like I lost weight today. So haters to the left!

Sirach/Raw Like Sushi

2011-10-08T10:27:00.003-04:00

Well, my posts are going to be getting a little more raw... "like sushi"... so I just figured I'd give a head's up.

This morning I opened my bible (on a whim) and it opened right up to one of my favorite books, the book of Sirach (or the Wisdom of Jesus, son of Sirach...not that Jesus). My eyes naturally floated to a passage I had underlined:

[T}hose who read the scriptures must not only themselves understand them, but must also as lovers of learning be able through the spoken and written word to help the outsiders. [...] so that by becoming familiar also with his [this] book those who love learning might make even greater progress in living according to the law.

It was one of those moments that I knew the Holy Spirit was speaking to me through Scripture. The words were speaking right to me. I have often felt confusion in my life because of, well, I guess the chaos that somehow I seem to like to keep around. But last night I was watching the movie Therese on Netflix, which I had seen before, and the knowledge that God wills everything became etched upon my heart. God wanted me, Maria, exactly as I am. He formed me in my mother's womb, knitted me together and every stitch contained a different facet of who I am. Everything He willed.

One aspect of who I am is something I never talk about except in therapy or in jest, or with my dad because it's something we share that we can talk about. It doesn't make me a good person or even a capable person. Neither savvy nor naive. It tends to push me towards confusion and disorganization because I can't understand the world around me the way others can. And it makes it hard for me to accept good advice. It's not such a big secret. It's just that my intelligence as measured by IQ puts me in the top 1.5% or so of the world's population. I'm almost always the "smartest" person in the room, and frequently the most frustrated. And when I catch onto an idea that is true, I will obsess over it to the nth degree, looking at it from every perspective. And when this "true idea" has something to do with me - and it's negative - I basically will eat myself alive like tuberculosis did to Therese's lungs. I don't necessarily mean low self esteem. I mean if I think someone has wronged me, and I'm right, I can't let it go, and it ends up doing more damage to me from within than it ever did from without.

Why life happens the way it does is a mystery. Everyone's relationship with God is their deepest secret. I should "know" that by now, I've certainly seen enough different types of lives that I should understand that nothing makes conventional sense. CLING to God with my heart is the only thing to do. And let my intelligence be a gift - not something used to hurt myself or others. Why God willed that His only Son live only to the tragically young age of 33, and teach for fewer years than it takes to get a bachelor's degree, doesn't make sense. Why not keep Jesus with the world as long as humanly possible? And why not have Mary bear and raise more children? Surely these would have been wonderful, incredible people.... But God's ways are not our ways.

Anyway, getting back to the Sirach passage, I feel called to teach about God. Not sure how this will manifest itself. But I think it is the beginning of a journey.

When the dog bites

2011-10-06T19:53:00.003-04:00

My Favorite Things
The Sound of Music at MOVIECLIPS.com

Returning within

2011-10-05T20:42:00.001-04:00

No, not another post about my anguished childhood!
Just that I love fall.
Days are cooler, even the sunny ones sometimes.

You don't want to know what this is.
Which is why I didn't make it for you.

Night comes sooner, even on the warm days.

And for some reason, the darkness, the chill, make me feel as though a part of me is returning to myself.

Yarn Along

2011-10-05T17:13:00.000-04:00

The lovely blogger and photographer Ginny is hosting, as always, Yarn Along over at her place.

Well, I am currently ripping this all out because it's too big, but here's what was and what will be again a bathmat for my bathroom:

The spoon is a Trader Joe's bag that protects my Bible. As I'm sure it does many other Bibles.

Today

2011-10-02T21:07:00.001-04:00

Photo taken today by my mom - me modeling the cable scarf I made to keep in the office for when I get chilly (which happens a lot being sick).

Since I talked with my mom, I feel like my mind has been reset. I realized that the girls in fifth grade were mean to me because I was pretty and from New York City. It's funny, recently, having gained weight from my ankle and now mono, I've realized I'm pretty. I otherwise have had no idea. And being from Queens was something totally different to me than being from Manhattan, which we called "the city." But to these girls, it wasn't. And I was smart and upset the status quo. My older sister swooped in in 6th grade and upset the natural order by being the 8th grade valedictorian. That was a nice thing to realized.

She also validated me very much on the fact that most of what I remember from my childhood of her is her working and going on business trips. My dad worked, my mom worked, and we did (a lot of) homework, plus some girl scouts and sports. Summertime was spent at day camp, 8-10 weeks. It really, really helped me that she validated those feelings. And it helped me to be able to realize, and to tell her, that I wanted her to get to know me better. Every Christmas I get gifts that seem to be aimed at filling a void - namely, jewelry and nice clothes or gift certificate to buy said items. I wear minimal jewelry if any and my mom has had this idea that if she buys it for me, I'll wear it. When she came home last week with a necklace from Talbot's ('if you don't like it, i'll wear it, but I think it looks really nice on you" I finally told her to please not buy jewelry for me anymore. I find it stressful. But my other sisters don't... again a reason why I want her to get to know me. She saw a really nice globe in a National Geographic catalog and commented that that was the kind of gift she would get my grandfather if he was still living. And suddenly it clicked - why wouldn't she think to buy that for me? I would love a globe like that! Definitely more than a necklace that "you could dress up or down depending on your outfit."

I feel like a huge, ancient burden has been lifted off me. I don't know how these two things are connected, but I suddenly feel like getting out there and making friends. Going to next month's Connecticut Catholic Underground. Doing things with my knitting buddies outside of knitting. Maybe because I know she regrets not spending much time with us during out childhood, it's helping me feel less like I hate myself. I never knew where that feeling came from, but it would creep up on me virtually every day. You know, she wouldn't work so much if she wanted to be around me.... he would get out of bed if he wanted to spend time with me. My mom, even though she left the corporate world and now teaches high school religion at a Catholic girls' school, still buries herself in work. And my dad still retreats to his bedroom TV and, now that it's the 21st century, his iPad. And I wish the three of us - or whatever - could sit and play cards or scrabble or an interesting board game. But you know, it hasn't been that way since maybe...1993? And maybe it's not anybody's fault. Like that musical Into the Woods, where they're trying to figure out who was responsible for the giant's wife coming down the beanstalk to kill Jack, who killed her husband. Was it Jack? Was it the baker who sold him the beans that made the beanstalk grow in exchange for a cow? Was it the witch who cursed the baker to be childless and to undo the curse he needed a cow? Was it Little Red Riding Hood, who dared Jack to go up the beanstalk a second time? Was it the baker's father who brought the curse upon his family decades ago? Was it the narrator? (so if you haven't seen it, it's a pretty awesome musical).

I didn't go to church this weekend. But I did pray a part of the rosary and did some spiritual reading from an old book about Mary. Then I meditated on Mary, and had one of those sweet moments where I sensed her presence. I told her about how I long for my own family. How it's been nine years since I had someone else to light an Advent wreath with. And I felt a string connecting our hearts. And it was so wonderful to know that I do have a mother who is perfect, who has always been with me even when my earthly mother was not. She is a mother, and she understands how much I want a family. She reminded me that when I wait, God always provides. And the waiting is just as important as the receiving. I waited two years for this great job. Every time I need to wait, the wait seems longer. But God is always faithful. Then my glands started to hurt and I felt sleepy, so I fell asleep with a restored warmth in my heart.

31 Days of...

2011-10-01T10:26:00.001-04:00

Melissa at The Inspired Room is hosting this thing where you pick something to work on for 31 days (aka the month of October) and you post about it every day. I chose food journaling because I know my food choices are not necessarily the greatest. I'm not actually doing this to lose weight, especially since I can't exercise until the mono goes away, but I want to keep track of how many fruits, vegetables, whole grains... I'm eating, versus high-gluten, dairy, fake sugar, real sugar, meat (which has pretty much been my diet for the year. I think writing it down will make me more aware of it. And I will post about how my food choices were each day.

So far today I've eaten like 5 handfuls of stale oyster crackers, coffee w/ milk. water, iced coffee with milk and one sugar and... uh..........See what I mean? An apple wouldn't hurt.

L'Arche and Hearts

2011-09-30T20:17:00.002-04:00

Ray again and me at our annual Faith and Sharing retreat in Leavenworth, Kansas. I don't remember what the "theme" for the weekend was, but it was the reason for my party hat. Every year, I enjoyed sitting at the fountain with Ray splashing him. Until he had enough :-) It was fun. We all stayed at a college campus in the dorms, spent the weekend singing, praying, acting out skits, going to mass...

I can't believe this photo is in May of 2009, and by Dec 24 I was sitting at Goodwill working on files, completely miserable. But I know it's getting better. I had a bit of a cry with my mom today, told her a lot about how I felt, and that I couldn't move in. And soon the mono will be over... and so far I really like my new job.

Also I decided to close out my facebook account. I think I mentioned that already. It's too big, too much.

L'Arche Moments

2011-09-29T20:45:00.001-04:00

Ray playing his drum. Rhythm, of all kinds, is very important to him, especially since he has no vision and was severely intellectually disabled. Music is his joy.

Since I'm having so much fun with Picnik, I'm going to start editing some L'Arche photos and sharing them with a little caption of what they are.

This is the time of struggle

2011-09-29T19:51:00.001-04:00

"I begin my day with battle and end it with battle. As soon as I conquer one obstacle, ten more appear to take its place . But I am not worried, because I know that this is the time of struggle, not peace." - St. Faustina

On another note, I feel somewhat more peaceful today but have also decided not to move in with my parents. I can tell already that it's just not going to work, as much as I would like it to.

And a third note, I'm going to be deactivating my facebook account. It just struck me this morning that this was something I need to do.

When your mind is different

2011-09-28T23:14:00.002-04:00

Sorry, another post about me and my daily frustration with life. I'm crankier than I've been in a long time, and I'm sure it has to do with the mono and not knowing how I'll feel day to day. Today I called out sick from work which is the first time I've done that since I came back in April. And since this job is new, no sick days... so if I don't work, I don't get paid.

Through all this I feel God leading me back to Himself. I get resentful that I "need" Him. But in a way, it's no different from the fact that I went two days without my meds and today had 5 hours of consecutive crazy, disturbing, vivid dreams. And I don't like to imagine what my life would be like without those tiny doses of highly crafted drugs that took years of research to develop. I'm 26 years old and I spent at least 2 hours during new employee orientation last week poring over my new company's health insurance plan... and I know I asked the most questions in my group during the HR presentation. I work in mental health, helping others towards recovery, telling them that "work is possible" and that we can help them keep their jobs even if the have to be hospitalized due to their illness. And recently I found myself worrying about whether I would be willing to admit myself if I got really sick... we preach recovery, but I can't imagine telling my supervisors about my diagnosis. Much less word getting out that I had to be "hospitalized." I'm getting way ahead of myself.

I've had difficult periods of my life, but I've realized that these past two years have been by far the hardest. Two years! And it's hard to see my sisters having fun... having boyfriends and sex... and living normal 20-something lives independent of pharmaceuticals. It's hard to look at pictures of my younger self, knowing that I'll end up mentally ill.

First day of first grade... the middle sister, well, on the right in the photo.

I'm tired of the gratitude journals. And I don't want to say I'm sorry to God for missing mass. I want Him to say He's sorry to me, because of the mess the Church is in, and all the masses we went to "as a family" and then came home and lived with a bipolar alcoholic and a mother who worked 70+ hrs a week. And He's sorry that I can't sit through mass without waves of panic and anxiety washing over me, punctuated only by feelings of absolute vapidness. And that He's sorry for everything I suffered as a child. That I didn't do anything to deserve it.

Well, I'm sort of a mess of tears but maybe I'll expel some of this virus through it.

Photography

2011-09-28T21:58:00.000-04:00

So I designed this background with Picnik photo editor from Google. Have you tried it? It's so much fun. This is the photo I took a few weeks ago in my mom's flower garden that I modified:

I never realized how much I love photography. I was chatting with a security guard at the building I used to work at, showing him one of my earlier cell phone photos, and he said that his roommate was into photography, and that the really great photographer can take pictures that, when a stranger looks at it, they see what the photographer saw. Which is actually (or maybe obviously) harder than it seems. The photos of Ginny's family and projects at small things are what inspire me most. It makes me want to go up and visit my aunt's family, who I've had such a love-pain relationship with just to photograph them and see their beauty.

Happy Birthday, Jim Henson!

2011-09-24T16:55:00.001-04:00

You Are Gonzo the Great

"Is something burning in here? Oh, it's just me."
You're a total nutball who will do anything for attention.
The first to take a dare, you'll pull almost any stunt.
You're one weird looking creature, but your chickens don't mind!

The Muppet Personality Test

Blogthings: We Have a Quiz for Almost Everything

So apparently I'm just an attention-hungry nut job. Oh by the way, has everyone seen my surgery scars?

Ransomed.

2011-09-24T12:41:00.000-04:00

Ransom: to obtain release of a prisoner by making payment demanded.

My life has just become a little more sane. Today is the Feast of Our Lady of Ransom. Granted, I just found that out like five minutes ago. (Ironically, my dad and I just watched an episode of Dateline last night called "Ransom." Me and him and Milo on their new king-sized bed which they got because the dog takes up so much space. But I digress...). About 20 minutes ago my mom told me that she and my dad had a "proposal" for me. ("Proposal" for them usually involves them paying me in exchange for something or vice versa). That I come back and live with them, for $500 a month, which they would put towards their mortgage. Thank you Jesus! I thought I would never want to come back and live here, but I'm more mature and our expectations of each other are more reasonable. I've been praying and I know others have been praying because my "living situation" just doesn't suit me. It doesn't make sense. I think families were made to live together. My dad's business has made very modest recovery since 2008 and they could really use the money. In exchange, I get a dog, a yard, a bedroom, a bathroom, kitchen fully stocked, all the furniture...And I know that my rent money is going somewhere it matters. Not to mention it's $200 less than what I'm paying now. The other thing is that it really frees me up to travel or whatever.

The cost of living in Connecticut is very expensive. But I have made the choice to live here to be close to my family. I could live and be happy in Kansas, where I have lots of friends and a loving L'Arche community, but for now I've decided to live here - pretty much exclusively because it's where my family (immediate and extended) lives. I think about 99% of my mom and dad's siblings/parents living within about 150 miles. Including our family, that's 55 (if we count the bun in my cousin's oven! ;-). God is a Family - Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. God gave his Son a Family. We are born into families and we die, hopefully, surrounded by them. The Church is a family. So to me it's logical that we live in families. Or at least in community. Even most hermits live within communities of other hermits.

Anyway, I guess that's every thing....Have a great weekend :-)

Feast of St. Pio of Pietrelcina

2011-09-23T00:00:00.002-04:00

"Prayer is the best weapon we possess. It is the key that opens the heart of God." - St. Pio

Yarn Along #15 (?)

2011-09-21T19:44:00.002-04:00

I don't think I'm reading any books at the moment. Overdosing on Netflix 30 Rock. Here's what I made recently (and I'm sort of embarrassed to say I ripped out a lot of rows to accomplish these simple projects.

This one is for my best friend's mom Genie:

Toothbrush not included ;-)

And this one is for Rachel, the best friend I've ever had (she doesn't read this blog). I look like a nut but oh well:

I kept trying to make it into a hat - seriously I ripped it out...hmmm...4 times? before I finally I realized that this wanted to be a headband, not a hat.

I Heart Yarn

2011-09-21T17:19:00.000-04:00

I do. Sometimes when I'm distressed I'll go on Ravelry and see what sweet things moms are making for their children. I wish I had kids to make things for... I do have younger cousins, but the youngest ones I feel sort of distanced from. For example, I was making a beret for my youngest cousin who I believe is just turning 5. Ugh, I guess this is bringing up more issues. My aunt has 3 "biological" daughters and then when the youngest was 9, adopted 3 children from Ethiopia, ages 5, 2, and 4 months. Now, 4 years later, the oldest has what seems to me horrible reactive attachment disorder and my aunt and uncle are in way over their heads, and seem to think that the Catholic religion is the answer. The middle child, a boy, seems to be okay, and the youngest just seems to get away with a lot. I spent a week with them in February and it was a horrible experience for me. I was in tears every day over the state of this family, and especially for the oldest adopted child, who is now (we think) about 9 and has made very slow progress. I don't want to knit anything for them because the house is so chaotic I don't think anyone would really appreciate the effort. I feel like it would be ruined/ignored/lost. So I finally gave up on the beret. The only one I really feel love for is the 9 year old and the parents don't want me showing any affection because she'll "take advantage of me". I don't understand it and I don't want to judge. It just really makes my heart ache. I feel like, to knit something really well, you need to love the person you are making it for. And know that person will love it, too, because of what it is and because of who it came from. So I decided to make a hat for my best friend's mom, a headband for my best friend who lives in Manhattan (those city blocks can get fierce, cold winds!), and a cowl for my little sister (because I see her wearing all the time the crappy scarf I made for her which took me 3 years.) I think there is an inherent tenderness in something that is knitting, because each stitch takes me about one full second (for me)... and small projects can take up to four hours or more if you mess up and depending on the size of the yarn and needles. It's not like sewing. I find I can only knit things for people I know will take good care of them, use them, and then people I love tenderly. It just takes so much from inside me.

I spend a lot of time thinking about living without electricity. I love the idea. I can spend hours pouring over a Lehman's catalogue, picking out oil lamps and manual clothes washers (I really do think I'm going to buy this when I get my own place.) Sometimes I feel like television has taken so much from us. Television and air-conditioning and I guess plenty of other things. Electric lights. I guess I'm sort of crazy. But really, what is the cost of technology on our lives?

I couldn't believe how many families I saw out taking walks when huge areas of southwestern CT were without power for a few days. It was sad, actually. Why don't we take walks when the power's on?

This might be the mono talking but I just want to vent.

2011-09-20T14:57:00.000-04:00

As you will read from the subject line, this might be the mono talking but I just want to vent. I feel so awful. I've never felt this little control over my body, including my week in the hospital.

I am so sick of reading people's blogs in which all they do is complain about what to me seems like the most petty things in the world. I guess my job is getting to me. I'm just tired of driving to work in the morning and seeing little kids hand in hand with their mom or older siblings, dressed in their adorable public school uniforms, walking to school past abandoned buildings and run-down houses, not to mention an insanely huge old empty G.E. factory and the mental hospital I work at. I think we had seven murders in our city this summer. I always want to comment on these blog posts, You can never know what burden another soul carries. Yeah people are rude. All the time. People will cut you off on the highway, or glare at you inappropriately, or (gasp) write mean stuff in your comment box (just delete it! what is the big deal?!). I don't know what to do about the world's problems. I don't align myself with a particular party or cause. And I'm so freaking tired of all this crap within the Catholic Church. How about instead of arguing whether or not women should have the "right" to be priests, we spend that time praying the rosary, or taking a walk with our children, or volunteering? Thou shalt know them by their fruits. What are the fruits of our blogging wars? The rosary is more powerful than any blog post. And I know I love to blog but I'm just so tired of reading about petty problems when I see the burdens so many people carry every day. Youngest to oldest and everyone in between.

Moving on. Interesting what a lot of sleep is doing to my mind. A lot of stuff is being processed. I asked my mom recently, when she looks back on the mid to late '90's, how she feels, and she said something like, it was a really hard time or that she was really depressed. And on the one hand I felt validated. It was a really hard time, pretty much consumed with my dad's mental illness and my mom working 60-80 hours a week to support us. But I was born in 1984, so those years I was 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15. And sometimes I feel like I spent those years without parents. And I get so resentful, because you only live each year once. And i wasn't my fault that whatever "magic" that's supposed to happen in those crucial years passed me by. I feel like someone took a swing to my head with a bludgeon and permanently damaged my brain. Yes, mental illness is a gene. But the gene needs to be activated. And I blame my dad for being a jerk. There's a section of my hometown I won't even go into - my heart recoils when I even pass the exit on the highway - because my experience at that Catholic school was so terrible in 4th and 5th grades. And I wonder - should I try to get over these feelings, move past them, and be able to go to this area - or even live there (shiver) - without these feelings? Or do I just ignore them and live somewhere else, pushing the memories aside? Truly, I don't know. I've tried so hard to forgive but I can't. I've tried asking God to help me forgive but.... as of yet I cling to my feelings of anger and betrayal.

And I hate going to mass. Every weekend it's a back and forth, will I or won't I. I'd say at this point I go to mass about one every three weekends. And this is after virtually never missing mass for the first 24 years of my life (I mean, not counting as a small child). And then I wander around wondering if I'm in a state of mortal sin. Am I wearing my scapular to protect me from going to hell because I'm in a state of mortal sin? Or am I wearing it out of devotion? The line is pretty blurry.

But you know what - this year is so much better than last year, despite all the crap my body's taken and everything else. But it's been a hard year. Three months doing absolutely nothing. Then returning to work for a boss I hated and dealing with what will be a permanent injury. (sorry, but yeah, eleven pins and three plates are not going to "get better"). Then I went through the process of applying for this job... getting the job.... giving my month's notice... and finally starting. And now I have mono. I feel like my body is crumbling like an old Roman temple. But I have new friends. And I am SO so grateful that I've made friends in Connecticut. I'm pretty socially awkward and it's so hard for me to get out and make friends, but two lonely years after leaving Kansas - I have friends! And for that I am eternally grateful.

Anyway, if you've read this far, thanks for listening.

Any advice?

2011-09-19T16:01:00.000-04:00

Thanks for your kind words and well-wishes. Those of you who have had mono, do you have any advice? I feel semi-okay except for the fatigue, muscle aches, and painful glands at the back of my neck. I'm working 1/2 days this week... but I have a tendency of over-estimating how well I'm doing and then burning out.

I'm getting some great knitting in, though. Trying to bust through my stash. Some yarn I just really don't like though (cheap acrylic stuff) so I gave a bunch to Goodwill and will probably give more. I'm making hats for my best friend and her mom who's birthdays are both this month. I don't know what's up with this hat thing!

Yes, Anna, I do have mono.

2011-09-16T13:09:00.001-04:00

And now I'm going to bed.

Morning Post

2011-09-15T06:28:00.000-04:00

Good morning. I'm just writing because I'm trying to wake up :-)

I've been sick off and on for maybe almost a month now... I've lost track. I went to my doctor yesterday because I thought it might be a sinus infection, but it wasn't. She tested me for strep (negative) and then sent me for bloodwork. She also said it might just be something viral that needs to run its course. It's sort of bizarre, I keep running a low-grade fever during the day and then my temp goes back down at night. No idea. I'm sleeping a lot, which I feel better about since my Dr told me "lots of rest and fluids". It might just be a random drawn-out virus that needs to run its course.

My dreams are decidedly less crazy, which is nice.

The hat I'm making is driving me crazy so I think I'm going to break down and find a pattern. I might make a bonnet. I think they look sweet on little kids.

Okay, nothing else to report! Have a great day :-)

Yarn Along

2011-09-14T06:17:00.001-04:00

Hello everyone and welcome to this week's Yarn Along sponsored by Ginny at small things.

Today I am working on a Christmas hat for my five year old cousin. I am making her and her sibilings all different hats for Christmas. She is getting a beret. I'm tired of following patterns so I improvised this design and, subsequently, have ripped out several rows several times. But I think I'm making some progress finally:

I forgot to include the book in the photo, which is The Knitter's Handbook, something that has been the best resource book on knitting for me so far.

What's on your needles? Be sure to share at Yarn Along!

Peace

2011-09-11T00:00:00.000-04:00

Let's not be sad today. Today is a day to be happy and grateful and to reflect in the ways that we can promote peace in our own communities. Whether through prayer, action, giving time and/or treasure, we can all do something to add a little more peace to the world. 40 Days for Life is coming up soon. I donate monthly to their cause, and I pray and fast along even though I don't go to the site (the closest one is like over an hour away.) Because of their efforts, over 4,300 babies have been saved from abortion in the few years they've been around. A small city!

Switching subjects. I'm dealing with a medication side-effect that causes me to have vivid, intense dreams. I wake up and my mind is spinning - like I put all the TV shows I've watched, BOTH my old and new jobs, various family members, and whatever else into a blender with my brain and put it on the smoothie setting. I've learned it helps if I don't overstimulate myself during the day, so I'm going to be limiting my internet time and consequently won't be posting too often for the next several weeks, at least until the dreams cool off a bit. Hopefully I can get some Yarn Alongs in, though.

As Our Lady said in Medjugorje, Peace, Peace, Peace! I pray you are at peace today, and not suffering and in sadness.

Incredible Catholic-Indie Movie about Nagasaki

2011-09-10T10:01:00.001-04:00

Okay, actually this is a plug for money. But it's a really really really good cause.

All that Remains is the story of Takashi Nagai, a scientist and father searching for truth living in pre-atomic bomb Nagasaki. Nagasaki is also home to what was the greatest Catholic cathedral in the East.

Then the bomb falls. His wife is one of those killed instantly, and he is left with two small children. Here's a little blurb from the website:

Now the scientist is forced to turn to God, as he must become a father and a teacher, not just to his two young children, but to an orphaned nation, sick and debilitated by war.

It would be his faith that would guide him back to Atom bombed Nagasaki, and it would be this faith that would inspire him to stay there and help rebuild a city from rubble and ash.

Having been diagnosed with leukemia (a result of prolonged exposure to X-rays), he dedicates the rest of his short life to promoting world peace through his work as a writer. After a battle against censorship, his first book “The Bells Of Nagasaki”, becomes an instant bestseller though out Japan, as a people, defeated and demoralised by war, re-discover through his words, the healing of power of love.

Now confined to his bed and sensing his time is running out, Takashi begins to write his final and most poignant book, “Leaving My Beloved Children Behind”, a serious of letters – life lessons, addressed to his children.

So, here's the deal. They need to raise about $20,000 in four days. I know not all of us can give, but some of us can give a little. I'm asking if you can give, consider giving, but also to post about this on your blog, link to it on Facebook, tweet it, or whatever else. Anyone who does anything to help this incredible project (whether it's through giving or spreading the word) will get two cards of your choice from my Etsy shop. Just leave a comment telling me what you did. Then head on over to my shop, order your two cards, and select "other" when you check out (it won't ask for payment).

Please help! Thanks!

First week at my new job!

2011-09-09T17:55:00.002-04:00

I haven't written all week pretty much because I've been so dang tired! I've been too tired to even look for my camera batteries to participate in Yarn Along :-(

But actually it's a great thing! I love being a supervisor. I oversee 9 people - 6 employment specialists and 3 "peer" mentors (meaning they have received services for mental health and have "walked the walk"). Plus I still have my own caseload, but I'm not on the Forensics team anymore, I'm with Homeless Outreach.

Anyway, I had an awesome week and I'll write a more thoughtful post later when I'm not so drained :-)

Why you should never lose track of how many bowls of Kashi you've eaten in a 12 hr period.

2011-09-08T21:25:00.004-04:00

Bowls of Kashi: 3

Hours: 12

Months pregnant (with fiber!): 6

Texting photo to ex-coworker as a prank: Priceless.

(He almost bought it....)

Mass Distraction: John, Paul, George & Ringo

2011-09-04T15:50:00.000-04:00

I meant to write about this a couple weeks ago because I think it's important to think about.

Anyway, at mass a few weeks ago I turned around during the Kiss of Peace to shake hands and spotted a 60-ish man a few pews back whose outfit caught my attention. He was wearing jeans and this shirt:

It was my dad.

Not exactly dressed for the King of Kings. But that was the ensemble he chose.

He's missed mass less times than I could count on both hands. Definitely fewer times than I have, and I'm the one who feels bad if I don't wear a skirt and wishes I could be brave enough to cover my head.

He's not a disguised holy man, either. He recently commented on the new translation of the Latin mass: "They're keeping the Kiss of Peace? Crazy bastards."

I guess he's just un-self-consciously Catholic. Sometimes I wonder if I think too much.

Done!

2011-09-03T09:38:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was my last day at my old job. It's still sinking in...I've wanted to work for this other place for almost as long as I worked for Goodwill...so it's sort of like a dream come true. I knew this day would come, or at least I had faith, but I didn't think it'd be so soon. Yesterday afternoon I came home from work at "took a nap" until midnight. I guess I was just used to doing that from whenever I finished a big project in college, or I had to work long hours at L'Arche. I was so glad to be able to walk out of my boss's office and realize I wasn't under their ..... well, I wasn't under them anymore. (She sort of stiffly told me, "I want to wish you good luck"). Now to just sort out the COBRA insurance stuff. If it wasn't already obvious, I'm a little accident prone. Just a little.

Me and my coworkers (boss came later). At my request, we went out to a Japanese restaurant.

I know that job was given to me for more reasons than I will ever than I will ever know in this life. I think that sometimes the more you find yourself sinning against others, the more you have to learn from a particular situation. This was definitely true for me. One big thing I learned was self-control. Another, I guess, was responsibility. Another was what it was like to work with truly messed-up people and a really difficult boss. Another was that racism is still real, more real than I was ever able to know before. I learned a lot about criminals, crime and the criminal justice system. How some people need a second chance. And others need a first chance. We even had one individual who was a pedophile and we later learned he had been abused by a priest as a child and beaten publicly by his father when he tried to say something. Still others are terribly dangerous. And that so many people are so ignorant about all of this. How could we not be? They don't teach this stuff in high school.

So I guess there were two things that I learned - the first was all the external stuff - all the stuff that comes with the job. But the second thing was all the stuff I learned about myself and my ability to get along with people I don't like.

I always have some sort of "sign" when I'm making a big life chance that it's "blessed." For this job, it was while I was waiting for my second interview, and the folks were talking about taking a trip to "Merton House" (which I didn't know, but it's a homeless shelter or soup kitchen or something). What's the chance you'd hear something about Thomas Merton at a job interview? Yesterday I got my "sign" again. I was in my new office (only one floor above my old office) when one of the "peers" came in. A peer is a person who is in recovery from mental illness and is employed to bring that experience to their job as a mentor for others. Anyway, this woman seemed like she also had mild cognitive issues, because she was so excited to see me: "Now I have someone to report to! Do I give you my timecard?" Anyway, her name is Maria, too, and she insisted that she take on a nickname so we wouldn't be confused. "I'll go by my middle name," she said. "Fatima."

I Heart Merton

2011-09-02T21:42:00.004-04:00

"I want as many of the novices as possible to learn how to weave baskets. Brother Gerard is an aged monk who has made baskets for a long time, and he is now seventy-four. I want some novices to learn from him how to make baskets before he dies, or before he grows too old for anything of the sort. For when a brother is very old he sits only in the infirmary chapel, close to the window, right at the side of the altar, reading from a prayer book or a book of meditations, no longer weaving baskets." - Thomas Merton, Conjectures of a Guilty Bystander p. 19

Acceptance

2011-09-01T07:28:00.000-04:00

Sometimes it's so hard not to blame the quality of my life on things I can't control, instead of things I can. I've been complaining a lot recently about the not-so-fun aspects of living with my roommate and her fiance. I want a different life, and I want it now. But I've been looking for new roommates online, and I just haven't found anything yet. And I think it's a really important thing for me to learn that I need to figure out how to be happy despite the fact that my living situation doesn't fit to my exact specifications and that my roommate and I have very different values (although not totally different).

I've been working (sometimes hard, sometimes not so hard) on getting out of debt. If I stay in the condo, after the raise from my new job (which starts Tuesday!) I will finally be paying only 30% of my net income in housing, which according to my financial guru Dave Ramsey, is the appropriate amount to be paying. Anything extra I can afford will go towards my debt. My goal is that it will be PAID IN FULL one year from now. My next goal will be to save up an emergency fund so that I will not have to rely on credit cards. Then I will save up to put a down payment on a car. I will save for as long as possible, until my car runs itself into the ground, so hopefully it'll be a pretty big chunk. Another thing I'm going to put money aside for this year is to finally get back to Kansas for a visit, because it will be almost 3 years!!!

These things are all more important to me than to be able to live on my own and have a pet. But right now, I'm close to my parents, close to the highway and life is okay. I want a pet - my parents have a dog. I want a garden - my mom has a garden and she's more than happy to let me weed. I want my own kitchen - too bad. I can't walk for exercise because I've got 11 pins in my ankle - figure something else out! And yes, I have an "office job." But I have health insurance and all that other good stuff.

So this is what it's like to be a grown-up....

Recent "Home Movies"

2011-08-31T21:53:00.000-04:00

Just for fun:
Irene doin' her thing

Soccer with Milo

Yarn Along #14 (and Irene photos)

2011-08-31T21:03:00.001-04:00

Still on my baby hat kick:

And reading Thomas Merton, which I haven't done in quite some time. Probably over a year. It's nice to read him because every year I can understand him a little better. There was a lot, for example, when I first started reading him at 19, that was over my head. Another reason growing older is a good thing!

And on to Irene...So many people are still without power. All over the radio people are calling in to say where you can get potable water, a shower, generators....Irene really did a number on Connecticut. I stayed with my parents for the weekend because my car was in the shop and I didn't feel like being stuck in the condo. But early Sunday morning we lost power, got it back yesterday around 2pm. The condo never lost power!!!

Anyway, here's what Sunday looked like:

Boiling water for coffee:

Panorama of the worst of the damage in our yard (of course, relatively very minor compared to the houses and cars damaged or destroyed) As you can see, the house is dark, at that point the power was still out:

See the tree broken in half? That's what the above picture is.

We huddled all the potted plants under the deck, and they were perfectly safe.

As always, head over to Ginny at Small Things to see what other people are sticking their needles into!

Oh, and shameless plug, if you haven't been by already, I'd love for you to stop by my new Etsy shop, Milo's Mailbox Co. Thanks!!!

Just for fun

2011-08-30T18:13:00.000-04:00

Inspired by the power outage (after 56 hrs it is finally BACK at my parents), I made this Etsy treasury of things I wish I had when the A/C suddenly went silent....

Irene.

2011-08-30T12:20:00.001-04:00

Yup, she was here and did some serious damage. Like 70,000 CT homes are without power (including my parents). Half the businesses on the main road are dark and a lot of street lights are out. I've never seen it this bad. Fortunately my parents can charge all their electric appliances in their car, so my dad is not going through iPad withdrawal (which would be BAD. he's getting cranky as it is). My mom took a shower at the Pilates studio and my dad has been taking cold showers... but hopefully he'll be able to get a train into the city and take a shower at the gym. Besides the fact that the fridge stinks, it hasn't been that bad. I think a life goal of mine is to live for at least a year without electricity. Or something at least almost that radical. I think it's healthy.

I learned a lot in the short period I was with them without power. More about that in another post. Half a tree collapsed in their yard. I have lots of photos but no cord to upload them (couldn't find it in their dark house!)

Response to Mary and Victor's Meme

2011-08-29T21:28:00.000-04:00

I've posted this before, but I just had to repost it when I saw Victor's Meme. Two L'Arche assistants who have cracked up. Anna, the red-head, now manages several group homes and plans to become a nun (a Sister of Life, I think). I, currently, am eating an Oreo McFlurry. My future plans include watching 30 Rock and going to work tomorrow morning.

P.S. Another fun part of my roommate getting married: This is what I've been hearing for the past 20 minutes: "1 Filet, 1 Shrimp. 2 Filets, 1 Chicken. 1 Filet, 1 Chicken. 1 Filet, 1 Chicken. 1 Filet, 1 Shrimp." Lord help me. Give me a good old Italian wedding with oranges on the table and sandwiches in the buffet line.

Waiting for Irene...and other things

2011-08-27T21:28:00.001-04:00

A few days ago I felt one of those gentle nudges from God to consider not getting my own place and to rent a room for another year or so, save the money. And today I find out that my car is going to cost $1050 to repair. This is not the first time this has happened, by any means. So I'm going to need a new car. So deferred dreams. I can deal. Wait a little longer.

And Irene is supposedly coming in a couple hours. I've been expecting her all day. Everybody has. All we have is rain, not even that heavy. We're just chillin.

Milo is very good at chillin'. And my ankle gets bigger as the barometric pressure drops.

Having some fun with Milo.

So.... I made a few trades on Etsy and here's my first one:

I think these will look really cute on cardigans and cowls. Wow! I can't believe how much time Etsy consumes. I spent probably about 3 hours on just 3 orders (just for trades!). But it's fun. And my cards are turning out really nice.

Hope everyone stays safe!

Is it bad that I'm sorta excited about the hurricane?

2011-08-26T06:52:00.000-04:00

Well, I am. I'm a little worried about New York though, and I hope people are prepared/evacuating because apparently it could flood downtown up to 30 ft and glass could start raining from the high rise windows from the wind. Okay, maybe I'm not soooo excited. But I love a good storm. Just not tornadoes. Those aren't even proper storms, they just come out of nowhere and leave towns destroyed. But teeming rain while you're inside, reading or knitting (or blogging!)... that's fun stuff.

So any of you east-coasters feel the tornado? I thought I was dizzy. Some of our clients thought they were "trippin'" (which I thought was funny, sorry). They evacuated our whole building, because it shook. Just a little. Not sure if the street was the safest place to be.

Anyway, it definitely was a nice mid-afternoon break. But my friend's boyfriend in Charleston said his building shook for a minute and a half. Not cool.

Pcitures from this week:

(Not to offend.....but do you see what I see? I didn't do it intentionally!!!)

Yarn Along #13

2011-08-24T22:16:00.000-04:00

This week's Yarn Along is brought to you by Ginny from small things the Helena Rubenstein Foundation, and the letter H! (for hats :-) (my cardigan and I are taking a little break in our relationship). I caught the hat bug.

Clockwise from top left: Vanna's Choice Baby Cherry Cherry color, completed ribbed baby hat, started ribbed baby hat, slouchy hat for me, preemie hat, More with Less Cookbooks, and my new favorite colorway from Sugar 'n Cream, "Field of Dreams."

I haven't tried any of the recipes yet in More with Less but I've been eyeing the book for years now. A lot of information on, well, how to get more out of less. Written by Mennonites.

Here's me in my awesome slouchy hat:

Saturday Morning with Mom and Dad (and Milo!)

2011-08-21T23:05:00.000-04:00

Depression

2011-08-21T10:52:00.000-04:00

I try not to write about this topic too much because it's, well, depressing. But the two years since I moved back from Kansas have been really tough. I didn't anticipate how hard it would be to leave my community. I also had a lot of unrealistic expectations for what my life back in Connecticut would be like. Living daily life with a mental illness is like....I don't know. It's different for everyone. So, I guess, for me, living daily live with a mental illness is like playing the violin when you don't really know how. You focus on the placement of your fingers on the left hand - do they press on the right part of the string, exactly? Are you playing the right note? Is your left wrist open? Is your body aligned? And then the right hand....the right hand is the hardest, because you have the hold the bow just so and the pressure on the strings has to be perfect.... and this is all before you even play the song. I do play the violin, and I don't really know how, so I think I'll just turn it into "fiddling".

Anyway digressing... I've learned that life doesn't get easier - it gets harder, in fact, but it is always for our growth. But there are parts of life that should be hard, like earning a living, raising a family, grieving.... and there are parts of life that can be made easier.

Anyway (again), one of my unrealistic expectations for moving back to Connecticut was that my life would be like Jenna's in Made from Scratch. In Kansas, I would read about her Vermont life on her blog, Cold Antler Farm and think that as soon as I could get back to New England, I was going to set up a life like this right away! Life has been so different from that. I can't even own a cat, much less a dog or chickens.

Every day I fight depression, but recently I've been losing. Sometimes I come home from work and debate whether I should take a sleeping pill to knock myself out until the next morning. I know that sounds horrible. But I have found something wonderful to help me. When I am creating - knitting, photographing, or puttering around my Etsy shop - I am not depressed. Also, pulling weeds in my mom's garden and playing the piano helps. Depression runs in my family, but creativity does, too. My grandmother, though she doesn't sew anymore, was a brilliant seamstress. She made clothes for us all the time when we were kids, and she made several of her daughter's wedding dresses, as well as her daughter-in-law's. My 14 year old cousin sews her own clothes...and you'd never know it. And urban farming is in our blood, too! My great-grandfather, during the Depression, supported his family with the fruits and vegetables he grew in their Brooklyn backyard.

Anyway, I actually feel a little bit better now that I wrote this... eventually things will get "better" but there are blessings that can be found today, and perhaps only today, so I'm off to go find them.

Happy Birthday, Grandpa Guy

2011-08-21T00:00:00.003-04:00

Dear Grandpa,

This December it will be 14 years since you passed from this life into the next. But today is the 83rd? 84th? anniversary of your birth. I don't know why God sent you so many crosses to bear. As a boy, you dealt with a father who was an alcoholic and compulsive gambler, who your mother eventually divorced. As a man, you obeyed the Church's teaching on contraception, bearing 9 children in 11 years. You were a CPA, a professor of Accounting, and Director of Finance for the city. You had a nervous breakdown in your 40's and developed what we call "bipolar disorder." My mom told me about the time you bought a car and drove to Cleveland to start a business. Nobody knew where you had gone. When you were still in your 40's, your little brother Tony, father of two, took his life. I don't know why God chose our family to bear the burden of mental illness so heavily. I don't know why you went to my mother's wedding, but couldn't get yourself to attend the other 8. Well, maybe I do, a little.

I feel so blessed that I was with you until almost the very "end", really, though, the beginning of your new Life. My memories of your last day are beautiful ones. Mom was a late picking me up from piano, and as she told us where we were going, I knew this would be the day. Lots of your children were there, as well as the wonderful woman from hospice. You were always especially close to your daughter Marisa, the only other "finance" person in the family. She came from out of state with her 2 week old daughter but she spent the whole time with you. I remember that I held Chiara in my arms in the next room, walking and talking to her, because she wouldn't let me put her down. I saw Grandma weeping and talking to your lifeless body at the wake, before many people had arrived. I became overwhelmed with sadness and cried tears of sorrow for her, until my dad took me and my cousin out. We went to TCBY.

I used to miss you, I don't so much any more. I do miss the discussions we would've had when I was in college majoring in political science, while I was in Kansas living with the disabled, and now working in Bridgeport with the mentally ill. But I feel your presence in my heart. One question I have for you though - did you have any part in my accident last December? Because you know, I figured out that I fell exactly 13 years to the hour that you passed... and I was 13 when you died. Maybe that pain I suffered brought you into the fullness of Christ's light. If it did, that would be the greatest joy of my life.

I can't wait to see you again.

Love,

Maria Angela

Etsy Update!

2011-08-20T18:26:00.000-04:00

Just wanted to let you know I made some improvements in my Etsy Shop: Milo's Mailbox Co. I'd be much obliged if you sauntered over for a look-see. :-)

Blessings,

Kiva and Karma

2011-08-20T09:46:00.000-04:00

Groupon.com had a deal a few days ago that for $12 you could lend $25 to a person in an impoverished country needing to start a business, fix their home, or whatever through the website http://www.kiva.org/. So I thought that was a good deal, since I had been meaning to donate to Kiva anyway. Once the person pays back the loan, your money goes into a credit that you can then use to loan to someone else. So for $25 (or in my case $12) you can end up loaning hundreds of dollars over time.

Here's my link: http://kiva.org/invitedby/maria3453.

So I picked Maria H Matabela in Mozambique:

She is a single mother of three children living on her own, and she's used loans in the past to buy material to build her house, which she has always repaid. The average monthly income in her country is about what I make in a month before taxes. So I'm helping Maria in Mozambique provide a home for herself and her children. And I'm hoping that, even though my situation is shamefully better than Maria Matabela's, maybe this Maria will some how find herself in a better housing situation, too.

The Marathon is Almost Over

2011-08-19T13:41:00.000-04:00

I'm in the home stretch: only two weeks left at my job! I'm really ready to leave. I'm becoming more and more negative towards Goodwill. Plus now this coworker who I originally thought would be a good friend is really starting to bother me. She thinks I do a lot of things "for attention" because I'm a middle child. Not sure whose attention she thinks I want.... But anyway, I'm pretty fed up. I tried again this week to see if things would be better, but they weren't. So I'm just going to try to not be around her any more until I leave.

I'm also sorta stressed about where I'm going to live. I'm definitely going to move. I really want to live by myself but I'm not sure if I can afford that. I'll see...

Yarn Along #12 (at the eleventh hour!)

2011-08-17T22:44:00.000-04:00

Warning: Reading this book could cause you to suddenly feel desperately unhappy about renting a room in a condo complex where everything inside was bought new from a retail chain store. And then may lead you to decide that you need to buy a house, so you can grow angora rabbits and chickens and bees. And that you're living in the wrong part of the country, because you can't afford that on your nonprofit salary in southwestern New England. And then you'll decide that you need to go work for The Man in Idaho if it will mean angora and eggs and honey... and then you'll realize that you've made yourself about 20 min. late for work. In short: Read at your own risk. Not before work.

Anyway, check out more Yarn Alongs at Small Things with Ginny.

Fruit of the Consecration: Going to Queens for World Youth Day

2011-08-17T21:40:00.000-04:00

(yes, that's broccoli)

Sunday night I started the process of making the Consecration, which officially I wouldn't make until the next day. Suddenly I became overwhelmed with a sense of being compelled to live a life more close to Christ. The feeling totally consumed me. I called my aunt/godmother hoping she'd still be awake ... it was a little after 10...(counting on the fact that it's summer, she has teenagers, and I happen to know they all have a proclivity towards late-night I Love Lucy Marathons.)

Chinese Eggplant

More Chinese Eggplant

Maria-Shaped Eggplant

Anyway, I broke down crying about how I didn't know if I was supposed to be a nun but I felt like
God was urging me to pursue the idea a little further before totally putting it aside. We had had a conversation about me entering religious life a few months ago but I was adamant that it was impossible and that I didn't want to talk about it any more. So when she received an email from the Little Sisters of the Poor inviting her daughters (and me) to celebrate World Youth Day at an event for young women they are hosting, she didn't pass the email along to me. But after our conversation, she sent the email to me, and it seems that God wants me to spend the weekend with the Little Sisters of the Poor in Queens Village for World Youth Day. I don't know. I do know that events like this are way more fun than you'd expect them to be. Nuns are wonderful people and they hardly ever get to do stuff like this. It's just a big party!

Anyway, so I've been stressing about that at weak moments throughout the week, trying to focus a little harder on my prayer life and not so much on everything else, all of which pales to nothingness compared with Christ.

What has two thumbs and got a new camera?

2011-08-17T16:59:00.001-04:00

This girl.

Hawk!

Herbs!

Mary! Flowers! Rock!

Milo!

This one is my favorite: St. Francis and Milo

And a yellow flower.

So tomorrow my memory card comes....this is SO much fun!

Faces of Theotokos: Etsy Treasury List

2011-08-15T17:08:00.000-04:00

Hi Everybody,

In honor of the Feast of the Assumption of Mary, I created a treasury list on Etsy: Faces of Theotokos, Mother of God.

Go ahead and check it out! I found some beautiful things.

Creativity - Daybook

2011-08-14T12:20:00.001-04:00

I started writing a post and realized that this would work well with a Daybook format, so here we go:

FOR TODAY
Outside my window...Very steady rain, which is great for the garden but I haven't finished weeding so I hope it gets drier later so I can finish it by the time my parents get home from vacay (they are in Maine, I'm house sitting)
I am thinking... that God has given me my difficult boss as some sort of growing experience. Is God like Yoda, or Yoda like God?
I am thankful...
for having my parents' house to myself the whole week, for being able to afford to buy myself a nice new digital camera (even if it's a point and shoot), for my sister coming over and us going to the diner for dinner, and then coming back and watching home videos and falling asleep on the couch. She'll be 24 on Monday, the Feast of the Assumption.
From the learning rooms...(if this applies)
I don't have a room for learning, but I am learning to make my first set of handwarmers, with a lot of rip outs and modifications to fit my stubby little hands.
In the kitchen...I need to clean before the rents get back! With my roommate I'm always so careful about being neat, but my DNA dictates that I am a messy lazy person!
I am wearing...Bright blue Danskin 'activewear' pants my mom bought me from Walmart to wear when I came home from the hospital, and a heathery blue v-neck T with a tiny little front pocket my mom bought me when I took a rare excursion to Target in the snow on my crutches. Actually I might have waited in the car... No bra, because ... I'm alone and I can. And my scapular.
I am creating...
A new etsy shop: www.milosmailbox.com
and knit handwarmers.
I am going...
To email my boss something to the effect of "Out of respect for my privacy, and as a personal favor to me, please do not ask my coworkers if they know where I am going to be working. " Because she did that.
I am wondering...
Gosh, I wish it was something more profound than "How difficult with Judi (my boss) be this week." Let's think of something else... whether the small white eggplant will grow any bigger. Also if we set priests up for failure by unconsciously idolizing them.
I am reading...Women, Sex and the Church. A good book, though I don't necessarily appreciate one of the essayists' insistence that women should get married first, have children, and then worry about a career. (I feel like the term "sugar daddy" is implicit in this line of thought). Yes, I'm in my most fertile years. But guess what - I don't have a boyfriend and I like working.
I am hoping...
for September. Which is nice, because if this year turns out the same as every other one, it'll be here next month.
I am looking forward to...my new job.
I am hearing...
The African Children's Choir
Around the house...
I need to pick up stuff and do laundry
I am pondering...
Going clothes shopping today. (Yes!)
One of my favorite things...
Blogging
A few plans for the rest of the week:
Suppressing angry feelings at my boss. Knitting club on Tuesday. Weeding for my mom. I hope to have a good conversation with someone I hope will sort of be my mentor. I guess you could say I have a mentor-crush.
Here is picture for thought I am sharing...

This is actually the photo that started this whole etsy/creativity business. I just thought it would be funny to put sweet notes on pictures of us sisters looking bored or grumpy or really geeky and make a calendar for my parents. I guess sort of a la Napoleon Dynamite.

On the CD Player this morning:
The African Children's Choir:

Teach me to dance to the beat of your heart
Teach me to move in the power of your spirit
Teach me to walk in the light of your presence
Teach me to dance to the beat of your heart

Teach me to love with a heart of compassion
Teach me to trust in the Word of your promise
Teac me to hope in the day of your coming
Teach me to dance to the beat of your heart!
Teach me to dance to the beat of your heart!

Etsy Shop Open for Business!

2011-08-13T11:32:00.001-04:00

Hello friends!

My Etsy shop is now open for business!I have no idea what I'm doing, but I'm learning. Any tips would be most welcome (especially what could be improved!)

As a thank you to my blog readers (all 6 of you LOL!just kidding) you can use the coupon code GRANDOPENING15 to get 15% off your entire order.

Soon I will be offering bulk discounts, but I don't want to get in over my head just yet. Taking things one day at a time.

Milo's Mailbox Co.

2011-08-10T20:02:00.000-04:00

I love Etsy.com soooooo much. And I finally decided to launch a little (and I mean little) store, Milo's Mailbox Co. Selling notecards of photographs, some blank but also some humorous.

Anyway, I just opened the shop and I'm in the midst of designing a few cards. Just wanted to make an official announcement.:-)

Yarn Along #11

2011-08-10T07:49:00.001-04:00

And week 6 (!) of this cardigan! This week the cardigan will be going somewhere I can't see it, and I will make something else fun and quick and satisfying. Like this. I think we need a break from each other.

Technically the left sleeve is very close to finished. It's only supposed to be a half sleeve. So then there's the right sleeve, and then the border along the inside. At this pace... I'm thinking it will be done and ready for fall just around the time the weather gets chilly.

As for my book, I'm nearing towards the end of the preparation for Consecration. It's hard to keep going after a while! I fell asleep at 8 last night and forgot to do the prayers. But I have been getting at least one rosary in, usually more. I listen to it in my car going to and from work, or if I have to drive around during the day.

P.S. Check out other projects at Ginny's Yarn Along at small things

Morning Thoughts

2011-08-09T07:26:00.000-04:00

I definitely should be getting ready for work right now, but I'm now housesitting for my parents, and it's so nice and quiet here, and I've got a cup of coffee, and I'm just going to linger a little longer.

Something I've been struggling with recently is the constant feeling to get on with the next stage of my life. I'm always looking toward the next thing, and tend to disregard the importance of the present moment. In high school I was focused on getting out and getting into college (okay, I don't blame myself there), but in college, even though I loved it, I was always worried about what would "come next." Same thing when I was at L'Arche. Same thing at Goodwill. And now with my new job, my thought is, well when will I "settle down"? And the truth is, really, my life could be over before I think it's even really started! So I'm working on a balance between continually hoping but also living in the present moment.

I also realized last night that I'm pretty happy being alone for the time being. I like being alone, in fact. So it doesn't bother me so much that I don't have anything remotely like marriage plans in the future. And I'm definitely eagerly anticipating being able to move out of my "CLS" (Current Living Situation). It'd be so great to rent a tiny house with a little land, sort of tucked a little bit away from the hustle and bustle, but not too far. Pretty soon my debt will be paid off (definitely no later than a year from now, but probably much sooner). The next step is to save enough to live on for 3 mo. should I lose my job, and then I will be financially free! Until then, I'll just enjoy life as it is.

So those are all my thoughts for this morning. Also, that I'm finding so much joy in knitting even though it's not the easiest skill to learn. But I'm proud of my first cardigan. I hope to be able to show off one completed sleeve by Wednesday's Yarn Along. Realistically, I probably have about 4 more weeks left on this baby. But the Yarn Along keeps me motivated because I like the weekly benchmarks and tracking my progress.

Mass Distraction

2011-08-07T23:18:00.000-04:00

A few thoughts for the evening:
1. Mass Distraction. It used to really bother me to see people I deemed being dressed in appropriately, or not behaving appropriately. Or whatever. But I guess the good that came out of me not being able to make myself go to mass for weeks on end was that I realized that the important thing was that I was there. And that I'm sure Jesus had no interest in my excuses about "not being able to focus." Imagine the crowds that surrounded Him as He gave the Sermon on the Mount. I'm pretty sure there were a LOT of distractions. Jesus deals with each heart intimately, and really wants us to "keep our eyes on our own work."

2. I am feeling just a little better regarding my quitting my job. I definitely feel peace that it is the right move. I'm just caught up in a sort of unprecedentedly dysfunctional, almost incestuous, situation. I'm usually pretty good at being diplomatic, but I feel a little out of my league. I so appreciate everyone's prayers and I just ask that you carry them on a little farther.

3. Working towards Total Consecration to Jesus through Mary, which I will finish, August 15, the Feast of the Assumption, which is also, incidentally, my sister's birthday. Has anyone checked out the site on the sidebar? I learned about it on iPadre. It's a ministry of wealthier Catholics who will provide everything you need, totally free, to make your Consecration. It's powerful in how it's affecting my spiritual life and yet another grace is that I feel like it's only skimming the surface. And yes, I did get to mass today and it was a GOOD experience. Not that that should be a reason to go, but it's nice.

Why I Need a Dog: A Photoessay

2011-08-06T15:32:00.002-04:00

"He who has ears, let him hear." - Matthew 11:15

Weird dreams...

2011-08-06T15:03:00.000-04:00

So, whatever it was that was going on in my subconscious yesterday translated into me and various relatives and former classmates performing for Pres George W Bush in the Sound of Music. And you know when you wake up and you fall back asleep and the dream gets weirder? I did that until about 1:30pm (don't hate!) and ended up with W. having his wife murdered and my parents joining us in the show... I think we got new costumes...

So I'm trying to figure out why I don't feel totally relieved about leaving yet. I think it's because this process is far from over. BUT, as I was telling one of my job-seekers recently, the important thing is that it's started.

Actually this is the end of the process of me moving back to Connecticut, which started 2 years ago. And the crazy timeline looks like this:

1. Moved back, Labor Day weekend, Sept. 2009
2. Started at Goodwill, Nov. 2009 (for the record, I never liked my boss, but I just let it be. I didn't even try to make it work, I just knew I'd be moving on as soon as I could.)

3. May 2010 moved out of my parents house into a very dysfunctional "living situation"
4. August 2010 realized said "situation" was dysfunctional and left.
5. Oct. 2010 moved in with my current roommate.
6. December 2010 broke my ankle and left work (and moved back in with folks) for 3 months.
7. April 2011 back at work, back in my "Current Living Situation" (Can I call that CLS?), learn about a position that might be opening up.
8. July 2011 apply and interview for position.
9. August 2011 ACCEPT new position and RESIGN from Goodwill! And have a fun week in which I learn more about myself in that week than maybe in the past 2 yrs.

Can you find me and Maggie's pawprints???

I Quit My Job, and other emotions: A Photo Essay

2011-08-05T17:27:00.001-04:00

I keep running scenarios in my head of what will "go down" when I tell her on Friday that I'm leaving in 30 days. Depending on her reaction, I'm seriously considering quitting there and then. Not sure how that would affect what my new supervisors would think of me. Also not sure if that's just nuts. Where is that fine line between "love thine enemies" and not letting yourself take abuse?

Sunrise over the Connecticut River, Old Saybrook, CT

Well, today is Friday. So today I told her. Was it as bad as I thought it would be? Yes, and actually worse because she snuck a comment in about how I haven't been invested in my work since I got back from breaking my ankle.I essentially said that that was part of the reason I was leaving - there's really no way for her to tell what I was doing since she never bothers to look. And the comment was stuck in at the end - so it's not like she even meant it, I think she was just trying to get a mean jab in. If I wasn't doing this Consecration I'm not sure I would have the spiritual strength to see the bigger picture. During my week on "vacation" (punctuated by 8-hr periods of work and hour long commutes each way), I learned a little more about myself. "Need" is such a funny word. We're all told that our needs are "food, clothing, shelter" - things you need to survive. But then we learn that babies babies need to be held in order to live. Food, clothing, and shelter won't keep a baby alive by themselves. It certainly won't keep a schizophrenic, or a diabetic, or a bullied teenager alive. So here are my needs:

1. I need a dog. Ol' Maggie woke me up multiple times a night, sometimes wanting me to stroke her achy, bone hips, sometimes wanting me to accompany her in exploring the incredible world outside at 3 am and, very occasionally, actually needing to pee. And yes, thank you Maggie, the air is cleaner, you can hear the waves on the river when there aren't motor boats and yachts clogging it up, and the stars are magnificent.

Old Maggie in the sunrise our last morning together. She is so happy in nature!

So my exhausted body says, "thank you" because I know you know I needed to see it, and I would have never done so without you. Hopefully your family will decide they need to go to Rome again next summer, and I'll take the week off and we'll just spend long days together by the river. I'd rather have the inconveniences a dog brings than live without the unconditional love. I encountered a therapy dog recently. You can't train a dog to be a therapy dog, it has to be a special kind of dog. So I'm praying for a therapy dog, and that would be a way for me to minister to others.

2. Trees and "a little bit of earth". Space and calm. A high-priority "want" would be a large body of water. But we're just sticking to the essentials.

3. Healthy people around me. This will mean moving out of my "current living situation" in to a home that I don't describe as a "situation." Praying about buying a house.

4. Spend my life doing the will of Whoever made this:

Yarn Along #10

2011-08-03T02:54:00.000-04:00

I don't know how I'd ever get through these long knitting projects were it not for Ginny's Yarn Along at small things. With that said, I was inspired to bind off the body of my cardigan and start on the sleeves.At this rate, I should hopefully be done by mid-September. Just not that fast a knitter...

Sometimes Blackberry photos turn out pretty cool (see last two posts) and sometimes the color just doesn't quite... not look gross. But I think this will turn out to look respectable enough to wear in public. Anyhow, I love this book, Women, Sex and the Church and hopefully one day I will be able to share it with a young person dealing with these difficult decisions and unsure of the path she should take.

Hired.

2011-08-02T20:12:00.001-04:00

Well I got, and accepted, the new position of Employment Services Manager with the nonprofit that my current boss boss has nothing but bad things to say about. I recall a conversation in which she used the word "cult."

I keep running scenarios in my head of what will "go down" when I tell her on Friday that I'm leaving in 30 days. Depending on her reaction, I'm seriously considering quitting there and then. Not sure how that would affect what my new supervisors would think of me. Also not sure if that's just nuts. Where is that fine line between "love thine enemies" and not letting yourself take abuse? Nowadays, listening to Fr Groeschel pray the rosary on my iPod is the only time I feel really peaceful.

I don't know. So many things are swirling around me - my real work, this process of quitting (starting a new job should be a cinch after this), and the ever-growing list of horrible, horrible international disasters. I just feel confused and like I can't focus on any one thing specifically. I can't even think of what I really want to write about.

Prayers, if you have any to spare. Pray that I can do what Jesus would do through this difficult situation.

Fruits of the Consecration

2011-08-01T21:20:00.000-04:00

As you can probably tell by my sidebar, I am in the middle of the preparation for Total Consecration for the Feast of the Assumption of Mary. And I've been doing the majority of it from my "vacation home" (my housesitting job, if you really want to be technical about it).

The preparation has been a mix of consolations and challenges. The consolations have come in the form of strong friendships and fun, along with experiencing a nice break from my roommate, and this incredibly beautiful location to live in for a while. The challenges have come in the form of interpersonal relations at work, namely with a single person, my boss. I have a couple "bosses" but one is my "real" boss. Meaning that she can decide whether I stay or I go. I've been struggling with real dark feelings against her for probably almost as long as I've worked for her. And finally, God is asking me to address them, and hopefully try to overcome them, with grace.

You see, my other "unofficial" boss just informed me today that I will be getting a call by tomorrow from the folks I interviewed with and that they plan to offer me the job. I've already told my "real boss" that I wasn't happy at Goodwill and that I was starting to look for a new job. Now she's like a pendulum, swinging from being nice to me to being really nasty and ridiculous. Like, for example, today, I announced that THREE people had gotten jobs this month (unheard of!) and she had only criticism that I didn't meet the "quota" for employer contacts. I can't continue at this job because another coworker, who my boss loves and has promoted to "senior" status, does hardly anything and lies about the work she does. And I'm not willing to work here any longer without telling our boss, and I'm not willing to tell our boss. So...therefore....

Most of me feels so fed up with this person. There's really nothing about her I like, except that I respect her for certain aspects of what she does, and that she can have a soft side but ... Anyway, last week I felt a tinge of compassion because I realized that she really has no one to love her nearby. She has one daughter, who lives in Canada, and she's divorced. She has no one to go home to.

So I have constantly Jesus' admonition to "be merciful as your Father in Heaven is merciful." It's so hard, but it's satisfying in a way because I know I'm growing spiritually. I plan to give my notice either tomorrow or Wednesday, and I'm really worried about the backlash and how the rest of my time with Goodwill will go. I'm truly scared, which I guess is silly, but I am.

But tonight my Heavenly Father put on this beautiful display which I feel like was just for me, a sunny thunderstorm followed by a rainbow and then a resplendent cloudy red sky, which the river reflects. And I sat on the big swing (really fun) and for a brief moment, I just enjoyed Him without realizing I was doing it. We were just together. But then of course my consciousness kicked in and I was filled with thoughts like, "Here I am worshipping God and enjoying His creation!" and "Wow! I can't wait to upload these photos!"

Thunder Rainbow

2011-08-01T20:07:00.000-04:00

Dead-lifting towards Hope

2011-07-28T20:29:00.000-04:00

Since reading about the Norway massacre and now the oil spill, it seems clearer and clearer to me that God is trying to get our attention. Does He have mine? I hope He does. I've been listening to Fr Benedict Groeschel's audio rosary and meditations on my way to work. And today for the first time I actually wanted to listen to all the mysteries (I think it's old because it only has 3), and since my commute is a lot longer from my "vacation house" is about an hour, I had time. Fr Benedict calls it a "spiritual place" and when I think about it this way, my heart feels as though I am sitting in an Adoration chapel.

But lately staying hopeful has felt like trying to dead-lift something that is far heavier than I'm used to carrying. Today I was thinking about how long it would take for God to give me a spouse and a home. Then I thought, "Do I truly believe in my faith?" and I decided (on my walk to the parking garage) that I do. And so I don't need to worry. But we all need to take responsibility for praying for the world, for consecrating ourselves to Mary, and for going to mass. I don't think that, after I complete this consecration, I will have such difficulty getting myself to go to mass. It seems like one of the fruits of this consecration is a deeper understanding of the faith.

As pictured in my latest yarn-along, I just finished reading Fatima for Today and I almost want to re-read it immediately. The Fatima story always seems to jar me out of a spiritual slump.

I'm now reading Better Off: Flipping the Switch on Technology, written by a Catholic man about his and his wife's year living in a community that he calls the "Minimites", who use even less technology than the Amish. And so much of what I've questioned about our lifestyle he also challenges, and comes to similar conclusions. Like the fact that we'll spend all day at a desk and then cram our physical activity into an hour of running just to keep "in shape." Or how rain seems to "ruin" a day. I actually had to put it down because it's hard to read about a life that I have so much interest in. I don't have the same radical inclination towards no-technology (like I'd think it'd be cool to use a propane fridge, and would be just fine with running water inside, while they don't have indoor running water or a refrigerator - at all.) But I'm becoming more and more fascinated with living "off the grid" and moving towards self-sufficiency.

May the peace of Christ be with all of you tonight.

Yarn Along #9

2011-07-27T06:34:00.001-04:00

More progress on the cardigan (almost done with the body....then onto the sleeves!)

As always, find more at Ginny of small thing's Yarn Along

Does this dress make my scapular look big?

2011-07-26T08:00:00.001-04:00

"Our Lady wants everyone to wear it; it is a sign of consecration to her Immaculate Heart." - Sr. Lucia (the only seer at Fatima who could see, hear and speak with Our Lady)

I was laying out my clothes for work last Sunday, and I realized that as I pick my outfits, I always think about what would make my scapular look "too obvious." I started wearing the brown scapular when my aunt/Godmother gave me one as a gift when I became her (adopted) daughter's Godmother. I wore it off and on and occasionally went for weeks (months?) without it. I don't remember when I started wearing it truly daily. But there are days on occasion when it just doesn't work with what I'm wearing. And I don't wear it but I try to wear my St Benedict medal instead.

It takes a while to stop thinking about it so much and just get into the habit (haha - it's considered a mini-religious habit). First I didn't want anyone to even suspect it was there. Then I was sort of proud of it and wanted people who would recognize it to see I was wearing it. Then I got all confused like, should I wear this dress if I really can't wear my scapular with it? What should I wear while I swim?

At the moment, as long as I'm wearing a shirt that covers the scapular, I don't think about it, except to touch the string for spiritual support when I need braveness. It was wonderful to be wearing it when I fell down the stairs and literally crushed my foot, ankle, and the small bone in my calf, in addition to tearing my ACL and Achilles (for those who haven't seen those posts). Wearing it, and praying the name of Jesus, was such comfort to me. I knew everything would be okay, and truly, I was never afraid. I knew Jesus would take care of me.

At that point, my scapular was threadbare and the string had broke so it was knotted. While the ER nurses had me in a neck brace, they were about to cut it off when one of them said, "No, it's okay, it's religious." And they didn't.

My Godmother brought me a new beautiful one when she visited me in the hospital (drove 2 hrs from Massahusetts and my dear uncle stayed home with the 6 kids!) , it's blue but she says it has the same spiritual benefits as the brown one and it has a lovely picture of Bernadette with the Blessed Mother on one side, and the symbol of the Miraculous Medal on the other.

I encourage everyone to get themselves a scapular (free scapulars here) and get it blessed, even if it's just a quick blessing from a priest. Once you get used to it, you'll figure out a way for it to fit with your wardrobe (incidentally, you'll also start dressing a little more modestly - for the girls at least!) I now wear a swimsuit that goes to mid-thigh, and a t-shirt over it, and leave my scapular on while I swim. The only time I take it off is to shower, and then it's so good to put it back on again.

Mom, take a picture of me blogging!

2011-07-25T17:18:00.000-04:00

It's okay, you can say I'm a dork.

Poem for the Manic-Depressive

2011-07-24T22:28:00.000-04:00

Based on Five for Fighting's "Superman"

I can't stand to fly.
I know better now.
Flying only means
That I'm soon going down.

I'm more than a brain
More than a heart
More than some chemicals
And pills to pop

More than disease
More than despair
More these aches and pains
Praying five Lord's Prayers

And it's so easy
To pity me...

The Adventure of a Motor Boat, a Kayak, and a Sister

2011-07-24T16:07:00.001-04:00

So I'm here at the amazing river house I told you about and I convinced my sister to go out with me on the motor boat because I "learned how to use it." (Which I did). But what I neglected to take into consideration the long rope attached to the end of the boat....which while we were relatively not super close to shore, wrapped itself around the rudder.... and cut the engine. We had no choice - because I had no idea what the problem was - but to painstakingly row to shore ---- any shore and use every muscle and bone in our body to drag it far enough up away from the river. And Annarose would complain and blame me for getting us into this situation, and I would yell at the way she was rowing and not focusing. It was some special bonding time. Fortunately, the boat had a small flashlight (by this time it was pitch dark - wayyyy more stars than I was used to (which is never a good thing when you are lost and have no recourse but to walk towards what you hope is a road).

We had to walk a long way (45 min? an hour?) until we finally made it back to the house. Why don't rich people ever want to live crowded together with lots of bright lights? Oh wait..those would be New Yorkers. (yuk yuk)

This morning - after a fitful night's sleep wondering if the boat had been lost into the river or stolen, we took one of their kayaks and went down to the spot we thought it was at. Guess what.... it was there! And, since I wasn't exhausted, I could see what needed to be fixed. I started up the boat no problem, my sister Annarose hopped back into her kayak, and we happily sped/paddled in our respective boats back to our shore. "Molly Saves the Day!" I yelled to Annarose.

Anyway, the end of our adventure ended up with us yelling at each other and falling all over ourselves trying to get the boat back into this little tire-tote thing they had and pull it up onto the shore. And then of course regaling the story and taking photos for posterity with mom. Sisterly love!

Check out this awesome giveaway...

2011-07-23T16:43:00.002-04:00

At Crafty Catholic Mamacita. Love it!!!

Hope for Today #1

2011-07-23T10:52:00.000-04:00

I'm so caught up in my hopes right now, that I figure I'm going to be writing a lot of posts on it, so I might as well make a series. I don't think I'm necessarily living with my head in the clouds, waiting to live until things get "better." But this morning, I just felt God's peace a little, telling me that His plans are in the works and have even already started. I realized this all makes sense:

Recently - maybe 3-4 weeks ago I wrote a letter to God explaining exactly the sort of home I wanted, trusting Him to provide it in His time. And since then, I:
- Have interviewed for a promotion that I'm very positive I will get, which means (a) more money and (b) nicer people to work with and I think I'll be happier.
- Found out that my current employer will pay $3500 towards my deductible, which basically means I am very close to being free from my medical debt.

Both of these things are steps closer to being debt free. My next step is to then save enough to live on for 3 months. I'm not sure if my move will come before I do that, but either way the money to live more the way I want to live is coming.

And I feel like this house-sitting business is God's way of saying, "Thank you for trusting Me. Good things are coming." Why do I always forget that when I ask my Father for bread, He will not hand me a snake.

Anyway, that's where I'm going today - to housesit at the most incredible home I've ever seen. I need to go pack!!!

PS - I think this all has a lot to do with my preparation for Consecration.

What I wore...

2011-07-22T22:33:00.000-04:00

My job interview outfit:

Semi-management nonprofit chic, ya know...

Job Interview!

2011-07-21T22:07:00.000-04:00

Had my interview today for a better job with happier, less toxic people. I was there for 4 hours and I interviewed with 3 different people! I was so exhausted this evening, I started crying. But I know it went well.

What keeps me going when times get hard is hope. Despair strikes me at odd moments. This evening, for example. I guess that's why I changed the name of my blog again. Hope for today is what keeps me going. Hope in my dreams to one day not have to live like this, one day to have a family and a family business and live as self-sufficiently as we can. Hope in my short-term dreams to be happier and more satisfied with my life, and closer to God. Trusting and waiting and hoping.

Yarn Along #8

2011-07-20T06:34:00.000-04:00

Yay! Yarn Along Day! Hosted by Ginny at small things.

The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks is a book about the world's first immortal human cells, and the woman who they came from. Amazing!

Almost finished with the body! Just one more row and then I'll do the ribbing along the bottom.

Total Consecration

2011-07-19T06:46:00.000-04:00

I'm attending the Facebook "event" Total Consecration for the Assumption of Mary. The moderator posts daily that day's prayer/meditation leading up to the consecration on the Feast of the Assumption. So I've been doing it. It's so easy when it's on Facebook!

I don't know if this blessing is related to the Consecration, but it's miraculous nonetheless: I slept though the night tonight. I think I've done that maybe one or two other times this year. I'm so happy! I'm thinking it's related to too much time in front of the computer screen immediately before I fall asleep and also eating something that's high in refined sugar too soon before bedtime. Last night I had a late-night supper of brown rice and black beans.

Now another miracle will be if I can find something that resembles a suit for my job interview on Thursday (I never, ever want to have a job that requires me to wear a suit every day. I don't even like needing to dress up...)

Come on, let's go down the road to Rosaryville...

2011-07-18T21:19:00.000-04:00

Has anybody heard of that song?

One of my favorite new (to me) artists, Kate Campbell.

Just thought I'd share.