And, yes, I do everything on my bed. Yes, I know it's a bad idea. Yes, I need to buy a chair.
Men:
Okay, here's what didn't work about my meet-up last weekend. I don't know if how I feel is unreasonable or if it's reasonable but just not average. I don't like to be touched by men in a casual way if I don't have at least a friendship relationship with them. I feel violated, I feel like they should have asked permission. And I would say no, lol. Does anyone else feel this way? I knew a Muslim girl in college, she and her future husband did not even touch each other until they were married. And I had a friend who went to the wedding, she said they just delighted over touching each other's faces gently, holding hands, treasuring each others' bodies in ways the rest of us just completely take for granted. Orthodox Jews practice this as well. I think it's amazing; I do. I know the vast majority of the world does not feel this way, and perhaps the ratio within Catholics is the same. Why would I want to kiss - or even hold hands with - a man I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with? I really, really feel like my body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. I have the capacity to conceive a child, at which point the Holy Spirit creates new life within me. Why should we women not be held in the highest esteem as creatures God chooses as a suitable place to conceive new human life?
Anyway, he touched my lower back almost as soon as we met (we hugged when we greeted each other; I didn't want to but I didn't want to be weird), and he offered me his arm (I was like, "No"). There were several of these occasions where he touched me to direct me where to go. I even found myself deliberately putting my hands in my pockets during mass (and after) so he wouldn't be able to touch them or hold them. It made me uncomfortable - we had already decided that we of course weren't sure how we felt about each other - why would you want to touch me? I know that sounds weird, but it's just how I am. There was that, and then I think I was just too assertive for him. (So it's okay for you to touch me without permission but you don't like me telling you we need to cross the street? I did live in Manhattan for 4 years, I'm just telling where to go because I know what I'm doing.) I did tell him later that I wasn't comfortable with him touching me, and I do know it's unreasonable to expect him to know that without me telling him.
There were other things too but that was probably the biggest thing. I know my future husband, if God has one for me, will believe all these things, too. It's harder to do this "searching for a mate" thing than I realized. I still feel emotionally drained even 3 days later. I have other issues with why it's hard for me when men touch me without there being a reason and/or relationship, but I guess that's for another blog post.
6 comments:
Maria,
You have opinions regarding male relationships that might sound unusual to "the norm" but I believe you are very wise.
And I have yet to meet a knitter that never has to untangle their yarn.
See, I did stop in to say hello!
I agree with Cathy. I have to say how much I respect you following this and how much it really inspired me to raise my girls to be the same way. I wish that I was the same way before I was married. :( Do you have any advice in helping my girls to understand courtship... I mean they are so little now but it's good for me to think ahead. I know they are not Catholic but I have to admit that Jim and Michelle Duggar have inspired me with the way they have their children enter courtship, too.
Anyways, rambling on now. Thank you for sharing these thoughts!! Oh yeah - and yarn :)
I'm glad that you told him your concerns about the touching. Some guys naturally are touchy-feely without meaning anything sexual behind it. Sometimes it's cultural (like the Spanish kissing cheeks) and sometimes it just how they were raised.
Not every shares the feeling that touching in a friendly way is wrong or okay. So it's best to speak up about your social mores so it doesn't create confusion.
If he's any kind of a gentlemen and you go on a future date, he will drop the touching or at least stop himself (since it may be habitual). If he doesn't, consider him to be a wolf in sheep's clothing. If he can't respect the no touchy-feely, then what will he respect?
That's what I liked about my husband. He's always respected my wishes. Always. Even if he doesn't always disagree (although now that we're married we have to compromise a lot).
I think your words about holding a woman to the highest esteem as we can create new life is just amazing, and so very wise! I wish more women felt that same way about their body and sexuality!
I'd have to say I'm not one for touching others either. I hate shaking hands at Mass. I refuse to hold hands during the Our Father. I think it would bug me if a guy I just met touched my lower back. That's kind of an intimate thing.
I think your knitting is awesome!
thank you for the very kind comment maria, and welcome to yarnalong!
it must be difficult sometimes, but it's lovely you have strong convictions and you stay with them. good luck.
Cathy, thanks for saying hello! lol And thanks for your kind words.
Nicole, I admittedly have also been inspired by Michelle and Jim Bob (weird, again!). I guess I think the main thing for kids is to raise them in such a way that it's not an expectation that they have boyfriends, go on dates. I think homeschooling helps because you really have more control over when kids are exposed to that kind of stuff. I think kids just accept what they are exposed to and what their parents' expectations are. I remember that TV shows like Saved by the Bell (which was on when I was little) gave me the idea that when you were in high school you were supposed to have boyfriends and kiss. I almost think that, besides having those intense emotional feelings that come with adolescence (and even more so sexual for boys, girls to a lesser degree), teenagers just want a safe place to fit in and will take it where it's offered...wherever that is, and don't really want to have these temporary intimate relationships. Just a thought...With the Duggars, it was the first time I saw another person(s) who felt the way I did, but they actually did something about it. Which makes me braver.
DF - I think it was partially cultural - he was raised in Dubai... no idea what kind of culture they have there. Part of it was him trying to be a gentleman. Which was why I didn't say anything at first. And actually, on the east coast, we kiss on the cheek a lot more than I guess average people (or maybe just in the NY area), so that doesn't bother me. And there won't be a second date (he just doesn't feel the same way I do about touching and commitment), so I guess I don't have to worry about that...
Hey Allison! I don't mind shaking hands at mass but I do mind holding hands during the Our Father (I cross my arms, very pious of me! lol) Glad you like my knitting :-)
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